11 Essential Relationships that Every Leader Needs

'The purpose in a mans heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.' Proverbs 20 v 5.

Who has influenced you on your leadership journey?  

When I was a young, immature and a very insecure leader I was mentored by somebody who modelled godly, humble and gracious leadership.  I remember running an idea past him (that I thought was a very good idea) and I still remember his response: 'that is the worst idea I have ever heard in my life.'  Looking back he was right and I'm glad he had the courage to tell me.  He was like my Nathan and Jethro with a bit of Barnabas thrown in!

We all need people around us in leadership who can speak into our life.  We all need mentors.  But what is a mentor?  One definition is; ‘A mentor is a person who shares their knowledge, skills, and/or their experience, to help another person, or group of people, to progress and develop.’  Many of our friendships are symmetrical, but what we need in a mentor as Joe Barnard says in this podcast 'is an asymmetrical relationship for the sake of wisdom.'  A mentor gives us a different perspective, they have a different elevation, they have maybe experienced some of the valleys and pitfalls of life and can help us avoid hitting some of the avoidable buffers or cliff edges of life.  We see many examples in the Bible with perhaps the most famous being Paul and Timothy and Paul and Titus.  

A Diversity of Council

Perhaps the two most common leadership myths are that firstly we can go it alone.  This is endemic amongst ministers and pastors.  The second myth is that all we need is a sympathetic spouse who we can confide in.  The reality is that life is getting more complex and in order to survive as leaders we need a multiplicity of relationships.  As Leonard Sweet says: ‘The worst thing you can do is to create a matched community, an inner circle of people who see life exactly as you do.  Life is becoming more complex not less, which necessitates and even greater diversity of counsel.’ (11 Indispensable Relationships You Can't be Without, Leonard Sweet, David C Cook, 2008).

The Challenge of Leadership 

·   Leadership is not an exact science.  There is no text book and there is rarely much in the way of induction.  We all eventually hit our leadership ceiling.  Sometimes our organisations grow and we are faced with challenges we never envisioned.  The reality is that there is a huge difference between a leadership training course or reading a book and applying this to our leadership experience. We are all on a leadership journey and we never arrive as the 'finished article.'  We all have blind spots and its incredible how people reach senior positions without ever having feedback.  It is not uncommon to attend events where senior leaders stand up and are almost incapable of communicating a cohesive vision with passion and clarity.  Nobody has helped them to become a better leader.  

Managing through our insecurities

We all take our baggage with us when we go in to leadership.  Leaders have many fears and insecurities.  John Maxwell says: ‘Insecure leaders are like fireworks with a lit fuse. It’s only a matter of time until they explode, and when they do, they hurt everyone close to them.’  Other fears include:

• Fear of being found out
• Fear of accountability
• Fear of losing control/power
• Fear of not being liked
• Fear of not being respected
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of failure

Who do you have with you?

As Leonard Sweet says: ‘The real meaning of life is not a journey question or an arrival question.  It’s a relationship question.  Your journey and your destination are both important, but neither is possible without an answer to this prior question: Who do you have with you?'  What we need to be better leaders is the right people.  But what kind of relationships do we need?  Leonard Sweet in his book 11 Indispensable Relationship you can’t be without helps us to see the essential relationship we need on our leadership journey.  I've found them very helpful and I hope you do as well.  

1. Who is your Nathan?  You need an Editor

Bible passage: 2 Samuel 7 and 12.

We all get lost in leadership.  A Nathan is a ‘welcome intruder’.

A Nathan will:

·         Get under your skin.

·         A Nathan helps us keep our egos in check.

·         Ask questions.

·         Tells the truth.

‘Your Nathan may sometimes be a donkey that refuses to move or a whale that resrcambles your relationships, restructures your realities and regurgitates a purged you up in the shore.’  Leonard Sweet

2.  Who is your Jonathan?  You need a true friend

Bible passage: 1 Samuel 23 v 15-18

‘There are only two people who can tell you the truth about yourself – an enemy who has lost his temper and a friend who loves you dearly.’ Antisthenes the Cynic

A Jonathan:

·         Is loyal when it’s hard to be loyal

·         The first to call in good or bad times

·         A Jonathan gives and gives and wants nothing back

·         A Jonathon walks with you in all seasons, like the winter of your discontent

Why is finding a Jonathan so hard?  Leonard Sweet says it because people have the 'egosystem syndrome or ‘What in in for me?’ The problem is that that people have the ‘No down elevator’ Syndrome.  They are not willing to go down deep for relationships.  At the top we have the façade level, then the acquaintance level, then the friendship level and then finally we get to the intimacy level.  Many of us struggle to dig deep enough, or be vulnerable enough to have a Jonathan.

·    3. Who is your Jethro?  You need a ‘butt-kicker’

Bible passage; Exodus 18

·         Who steps in when they see you are overwhelmed? 

·         Who offers gentle guidance on where to find a better balance?

 4. Who is your Timothy?  You need an heir

Bible passage: Phillipians 2 v 19 - 24, 1 Timothy 1 v 2, 18 and 3 v 11-16. 2 Timothy 1 v 2-4

Who are you investing for the future?

·         There is a difference between clones and heirs. 

·         They may play a different tune but be on the same mission.

 5.  Who is your Barnabas?  You need an encourager

Bible passage: Acts 13

·    An encourager rather than enabler. ‘Who works like steroids to your spirit?’  To whom are you an encourager?

 6.  Who is your Peter/Paul?  You need a Yoda

Bible passage: 1 Corinthians 1 v 4-9

Who is speaking wisdom into your life?  Who is your mentor?  Who is helping you apply knowledge so you become wise.  

Sweet offers a few tips for choosing a mentor:

·         Humility – one who knows but knows they don’t know it all.  

It is not the one who has all the right answers but the right spirit

·         Honesty –they are known to be truthful and virtuous.

·         Honor – these are people who are honoured and honourable.

 7.  Who is your Deborah?  You need a back coverer

Bible passage: Judges 4

·         At some point in your leadership journey you will feel attacked and overwhelmed.

·         Sometimes a back-coverer fights with you in front lines but most times pray from a distance.

·         You can Deborah people you don’t know. You don’t have to be a good friend to someone to watch their back and take up for them.

·         We can Deborah generations that come before and after us.

 8.  Who is your Zacchaeus?  You need a 'reject'

Bible passage: Luke 19 v 1-10

·         Not all relationships are cosy and tidy.

·         People may be shocked by your relationship with this person.

·         They are unlikely to be behind you in the pew.

 9.  Who is your Rhoda?  You need a little one.

Bible Passage: Acts 12 v 13-15

·         Investing in one who has childlike faith. 

 10.  Who are your VIP’s?  You need a Lydia and Lazarus

Bible passage: Acts 16 v 11-15 and John 11.

·         Do you have somebody who is generous to you, who invests in you?

·         Spend time with the poor.

11.  Where is your Jerusalem?  You need a place.

Bible passage: Mark 1 v 35

·         Where do you rest?

·         What is your ‘deserted place?’

·         Where do you seek God?

·         Where do you feel close to God?

 12.  The Invisible 12^th      You need the Paraclete

Bible passage: John 15 v 26 - 16 v 15

The reality is that in the life of every believer our Jethro's and Nathans can let us down.  Our Barnabas can stop encouraging and our Deborah's fail to cover our backs.  But the Christian leader has an invisible but reliable support and comfort in the Holy Spirit.  

To quote Sweet: 'The Comforter doesn't mean a cuddly blanket or a hot water bottle but a bracing friend who helps us bear every burden, lift every load, climb every mountain, ford every stream.  Jesus has sent his Holy Spirit to guide us, comfort us and protect us  Jesus was abandoned by his disciples in Gethsemane, but the Spirit was with him.

Conclusion

Leadership is tough and can be very lonely.  Who do you have with you on the journey?  As Leonard Sweet says 'who will you be holding hands with when you cross the finish line?'  Think about the relationships you need to help you be a better and wiser leader.

Further reading

11 indispensable relationships you can’t be without, Leonard Sweet, Published by David C Cook, 2008.

Insecurity: An Explosive Quality in the Life of a Leader, John Maxwell

https://www.johnmaxwell.com/blog/insecurity-an-explosive-quality-in-the-life-of-a-leader/

The Mentor Relationship: An Exploration of Paul as Loving Mentor to Timothy and the Application of This Relationship to Contemporary Leadership Challenges

https://www.regent.edu/journal/journal-of-biblical-perspectives-in-leadership/paul-and-timothy/

Mentoring Stages in the Relationship between Barnabas and Paul

https://www.regent.edu/journal/journal-of-biblical-perspectives-in-leadership/mentoring-stages-in-the-relationship-between-barnabas-and-paul/

Loving our Wives Well

This was a talk given at the Biblical Fatherhood Conference at Holyrood Evangelical Church on 23rd March 2024.

Kent Hughes tells the story in his book ‘Disciplines of a Godly Man’ of a farmer and his wife who lived in the Midwest in America. One night the funnel of a tornado lifted the roof right of their house of and sucked the bed out with them still in it. The wife began to cry, and her husband said 'this is no time for crying'. His wife replied 'I can't help it but I am so happy, it is the first time we have been out of the house together in twenty years!'

If I was to ask your wife and my wife 'what is it like living with your husband?'  I wonder what she would say?  Its not an easy question is it?

Would our wives testify to out tenderness, our gentleness, our patience?  Would they say that you as their husband daily point them to the glory and beauty of a great God and a beautiful Saviour?

The best way of loving our children and pointing them towards Jesus, is to love their mother well.

We can instruct our children, we can bring them to church, but the example of a loving marriage will have a profound effect on our children.

The Bible presents marriage as a picture of Christ and his church so what better way to demonstrate the goodness and love of God than through a loving, grace filled marriage?

But the challenge is how do we love well after children?  How do we continue to love well when the pressures and the storms of life hit us?  How can we find renewal and restoration after seasons of hardship and dryness in our marriages?

Well, we need to start with some understanding of what marriage is.

I’ve just finished a 6-part podcast series on the Titanic with The Rest is History.

Many marriages look like they are unsinkable.

So, what happens?  Well marriages hit the two icebergs of expectations and reality.  

1. Great Expectations

We start out in marriage with unrealistic expectations.

We look for the person who will be our best friend, our soul mate, someone who will meet our every need, consistently and perpetually.  We seek a Saviour other than Jesus, our spouse.  The person must be incredibly attractive and remain like that throughout our entire married life.

This is what Tim Keller calls 'apocalyptic romance'.  He says: ‘It is the illusion that if we find our one true soul mate, everything about us will be healed; but that makes the lover into God, and no human being can live up to that.’ Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage.

Our marriages are crushed under the weight of cosmically impossible expectations.

2. The Rubber Hits the Road

I was chatting to somebody recently who said that he and his wife never had a 'honeymoon period'.  They were plunged into the stress of ministry in a new county as soon as they were married.  This is so often what happens in marriage.  Expectations crash into the reality of life.  With high, often unrealistic expectations marriages hit the reality of:

• Work
• Kids
• Finance
• Church
• Family

Our marriages come under pressure.  Maybe we don’t like each other’s families?

This is why it is critical that we see marriage not in a consumerist way but as a loving and lasting covenant.

“In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.” Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage.

God gave marriage as a gift in the garden of Eden – it is for lifelong companionship, for sexual purity and as the best place to bring up children.

It is not a mood, or a flutter in our stomachs, or a panacea of all our problems.  Love is a decision to love someone consistently and in covenant for life.  Love is fundamentally an action rather than emotion.

Our marriages should be characterised not by harshness or anger, but by love and warmth.

Marriage is not so much about who we do love as who we can love for our whole life.

A Stanger in a Strange Land

Maybe today your marriage is floundering in disappointment.  

Maybe your marriage has hit the iceberg of reality and you are thinking 'this isn't what is signed up for.'

You believe in marriage, you know it is a gift of God, but often you feel that your wife has become a stranger.

Marriage, at times, can feel like a bit of a wilderness, we feel lost, overwhelmed and hopeless.

• Intimacy can be challenging;

• communication can feel strained and

• even in a marriage we can feel so lonely.

Marriages can and do fail.

None of us are immune to the breakup of our marriages.

I’ve heard in the last 4 weeks of somebody whose marriage has broken up very acrimoniously and publicly. He was the last person who I would have though that could happen to.

Marriage is a very precious gift, and it mustn’t be taken lightly.

So how can we love our wives well?

Make the Gospel Central

What is the tone of your marriage and home?

If you want to love your wife well we need to have gospel centred marriages.  We need Christ to be at the centre, not us.

It is not your job to enforce every rule, and correct every fault in your wife.

Your job is to love her like Jesus does and point her to a Saviour who loves and cares for her.

We see this in Colossians 3.

The patterns is resurrection, death, life, love and family.

• We put to death what is earthy, and we put on the new self.

• We put on compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience,

• And above put on love which binds everything together in perfect harmony v 14.

What we have in Colossians 3 is the gospel.

The secret to a good marriage is dying to our sin; ‘Marriage is a call to die, and a man who does not die for his wife does not come close to the love for which he is called. Christian marriage vows are the lifelong practice of death, of giving over not only all you have, but all you are.’  Kent Hughes, Disciplines of a Godly Man.

Marriage is about sacrificial commitment to the good of another.

We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church selfishly and sacrificially;  ‘The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The gospel is this: we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus than we ever dared hope,’  Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage.

Loving Well

How do you express love to your wife? Is it in a language she understands?

Are you on the same frequency?

Many husbands think they are appreciative and loving towards their wife but the reality is that the wife feels unloved and unappreciated.

Over 33 years ago Gary Chapman wrote 'The Five Love Languages - the Secret to Love that Lasts.'  He argued that there are 5 main love languages that communicate love.  

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Physical touch
• Acts of service
• Gifts

Wives need affection, they need words of affirmation, and they need reassurance.

Have you ever asked you wife how she like to receive your expressions of love?

When was the last time you looked your wife in the eyes and told her you loved her?  

Ask her what makes her feel loved and valued and do that over and over again.

Communication

We need to set aside time to talk to our wives.

We need to practice being present in conversations.

Not with one eye on the football scores but giving our wives 100% attention.

Try and go to bed at the same time, try and have breakfast together if you can, eat together as a family.

Carve out time in every week for good, clear communication.  Put phones aside and look at each other and listen to what your wife is saying.  

Find out what is on her heart, what she is concerned about out.

Refer back to discussions you have had; 'I was thinking about what you said, I've also been praying about it.'

Shared Memories

Its so important to plan great memories together.

Holidays, camping trips, meals out, concerts, having friends over.

All these things create special and lasting memories.

My wife and I recently got an allotment 10 minutes from our house.  Its been hard work but we already have some lovely shared memories.  What do you have planned this year to share amazing memories?  

Elevation

The Bible calls us to lead but not dominate.

Matthew Hendry famously said: “The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.”

We need to build our wives up by our gratitude and our words of appreciation and kindness.

Our wives need to be embraced, but they also want the dishwasher emptied, the potatoes peeled, and the kids bathed.

Are we lightening our wives load each day? Or do we add to her burden by our laziness, ill discipline and lack of engagement.

Monday Night Football needs to wait until after you've loaded the dishwasher and put the kids to bed.  

We are called to build up not bring down.

Cultivating Friendship

We need to cultivate friendship in our marriage.

If we believe 'time is the currency of relationships', this will take time and effort.

Often loving and liking our wives can be quite different and friendship grows and develops over many years.

My wife and I are quite different, we like different things.

Marital friendship is about more than going to concerts together, its about the deep oneness that develops as two people journey together towards a shared destination.

As Tim Keller says:

‘What then is marriage for? It is helping each other to become our future glory selves, the new creation that God will eventually make us. The common horizon husband and wife look toward the Throne, and the holy, spotless, and blameless nature we will have. I can think of no more powerful common horizon than that, and that is why putting a Christian friendship at the heart of a marriage relationship can lift it to the level that no other vision for marriage approaches.’ Tom Keller, The Meaning of Marriage.

Your marriage is worth fighting for.

You might feel you are in the wilderness at the moment.  You may feel disappointed having had great expectations.  But grace can redeem the darkest situation.  

Bring Christ into your marriage.  Love like Jesus.  Let Him guide you away from the icebergs.  Marriage can be tough, dying to self always is.  But loving your wife well is one of the greatest models of gospel living in a sinful world.  It shows that love is not about us, we love because we have first been loved.  Your marriage can be a model of grace.  What better legacy to leave for your children.

'His Pity was Ever Active'

This was a talk given at Duncan Street Baptist Church Men's Fellowship Edinburgh on 4th May 2024.

When Dr Guthrie died on 24th February 1873 the funeral was arranged for 4 days later on the 28th of February.

The procession stretched for a mile from the Grange Cemetery down to Salisbury Road where the Guthrie’s lived. There were over 30,000 lining the streets to say farewell to one of Scotland’s favourite sons.

But today his statue stands in Princes Street Gardens and thousands walk past every week without the faintest clue who he was or what he achieved under God for the cause of the gospel.

What I want to do this morning is whet your appetite for an incredibly inspiring figure from an exciting period of church history in Scotland.

Biographical sketches can sometimes crush and depress us. I don’t want to do that today.

Rather, I want to encourage you that Thomas Guthrie faced many of the same challenges you do, but he believed in the power of a big God and a beautiful Saviour.

Guthrie’s life and legacy is a vast subject so let me try and achieve 3 things this morning.

1. Let me give a very quick snapshot of his life.

2. Let me share a little about his incredible impact as a church planter, social reformer and preacher.

3. Let me draw 4 lessons from his life that can inspire and encourage us today.

A Brief Overview of Guthrie’s Life

Thomas Guthrie was born on 12th July 1803 in the Angus town of Brechin to David and Clemintine Guthrie.

He was born four years after the French Revolution and his childhood was in the shadow of the Napoleonic Wars.  As a 12-year-old Thomas Guthrie saw the 42nd Regiment of Highlanders marching in to Edinburgh after the battle of Waterloo in 1815.

He was the second youngest of 13 children - three died in infancy and of the remaining 10 who survived, there were 6 brothers and 3 sisters.

Sent off to Edinburgh university at the tender age of 12 he acknowledges in later life that this was far too young.

He studied four years of philosophy and literature and then a further 4 of theology.  He then studied for another 2 years: chemistry, anatomy and natural history. He attended the lectures of Dr Knox famous for the Burke and Hare murders.  This sparked a lifelong interest in medicine, and he used to prescribe medicine for minor ailments as a parish minister.

Despite clear ability, Guthrie had to wait 5 years to be called to a charge.  During this time, he went to the Sorbonne in France to study and he returned to work in his father’s bank. This allowed Guthrie to hone his preaching skills and to spend time working and getting to know the frustrations of everyday life.

Eventually Guthrie was called to Arbirlot in Angus in 1830 where he proved to be an innovative and diligent pastor for the next 7 years.

In 1837 he was called to Old Greyfriars Parish Church as a collegiate minister to Rev John Sym.

In 1840 he planted St John’s Parish Church in Victoria Street.  The congregation left at the disruption and worshiped in Nicholson Square while they were building Free St John’s which is now St Columba’s Free Church.

He is remembered for launching the Ragged School movement in 1847 after his elders took cold feet and pulled back from supporting it in Free St John's.  His book 'A Plea for Ragged School' was like 'a spark amongst combustibles' and his leadership and vision led to a nationwide and world wide movement.

He was a leader of the temperance movement and wrote the powerful book ‘The City its Sins and Sorrows’ in 1857 to call for radical change to the availability of ‘dram shops’ and ‘gin palaces’.

Guthrie raised an incredible £116,000 in 1845 to build over 700 manses after the disruption.  He was known as the 'Big Beggar Man' as he toured 13 synods and 58 Presbyteries.  

He struggled with a weak heart but continued to write and edit The Sunday Magazine well into his late 60’s after retiring from Free St John’s in 1864.

He died in February 1873. Some of his last words of himself were ‘a brand plucked from the burning.’

Guthrie the Church Planter

By the time Dr Guthrie came to Old Greyfriars in Edinburgh in 1837 he was already convinced of the need for church planting particularly amongst the poor although there is little that could have prepared him for his new parish. He says:

‘I can compare it to nothing else than the change from the green fields and woods and the light of nature to venturing into the darkness and blackness of the coal pit. Guthrie was already an advocate of the revived Parochial System: a church at the very doors of the poor, the church free to all without distinction, properly equipped schools, elders, deacons and district visitors to assist the minister in his pastoral work.’

His vision was for a new kind of church and work began on St John’s in Victoria Street in 1838. When Dr Guthrie entered his new pulpit on 19th November 1840, he could never have imagined that his tenure would be only 2 short years before the congregation would leave at the Disruption.

But in 1840 St John’s in Victoria Street become a beacon of hope for the poor. It was to be a new kind of church where the poor were welcome to hear the gospel without money and without price. Only the balcony continued to be rented out to the wealthier residents of Edinburgh and brought in a healthy income of £280 per year.

Thirty elders and fifteen deacons were allotted districts where they actively sought out non church goers and assisted the poor in practical ways. Dr Guthrie saw the church like a parish well and said: how often have I wished that the parish church was more like the parish well, a well of salvation where all might draw and drink. Finally, in St John’s this vision was realised.

While Thomas Chalmers may have been the great pioneer of church planting in the pre-Disruption Church of Scotland, Guthrie was one of his most zealous followers. Both men were in the vanguard of what Dr Cook of Belfast called a glorious enterprise of Christian aggressions upon the region of popular ignorance.

It is incredible to think that between 1835 and 1841 the Church of Scotland raised a staggering £300,000 and 222 churches were built. Men like Guthrie were not ‘hand ringers’ but men of action.

Let’s take encouragement from the words of Thomas Chalmers at a Church Extension meeting in 1838 where he commended the work that Guthrie was to undertake in St John’s Edinburgh: 

‘I know that my friend Dr Guthrie is a house-going minister, and I also know this is the patent way to create a church-going people. I trust that when this arrangement shall be exemplified in the Cowgate, and multiplied over Edinburgh, it will be found that – what no adjustment of political or civil wisdom has been able to effect – the harmonisation of all classes of society shall be at last effected through the medium of Gospel ministrations, and by the omnipotence of Gospel charity.’

Guthrie the Social Reformer

Dr Thomas Guthrie is famous for his 'Ragged Schools'. The schools went on to become a huge movement that saved thousands of children from a life of crime and abuse. But as with every great movement it had humble beginnings at Guthrie's newly built church in 1847. They had a huge room in the basement and the elders initially agreed to set up a ragged industrial feeding school for '20-30 waifs'. As time drew near for the launch the elders took fright and the project was abandoned. While Guthrie was cast down, and felt like a man who has 'launched a good sturdy boat, sees her before she has taken ten strokes from the shore seized by a mighty billow, flung back, and dashed to pieces on the strand.'

In 'Out of Harness' which are Sunday Magazine articles collected and published in 1883, Guthrie sees the Lord's providence in this initial disappointment.  He says 'Baffled in this direction another lay open to me.  I might leave the limits of St John's congregation, and of the Free Church, to launch out on the open sea; I might throw myself on the Christian public, irrespective of sect or party; for were these children saved, it was nothing to me to what church they might attach themselves, or whose arm plucked them from destruction.'

The first or ‘original’ ragged school in Edinburgh was established in 1847 in a small room on the Castle Hill. The main building that was eventually used is now part of Camera Obscura and the open bible can still be seen above the door with the words ‘Search the Scriptures’ (John 5 v 39) engraved on it.

The original Ragged School brought together different responses to the needs of these desperate children; education, regular meals, clothes, ‘industrial training’ and Christian instruction. All this was done in an environment of discipline and structure although there is never a sense that the schools were harsh or austere.

The ragged children who attended the school/s did not remain overnight but were in school for 12 hours in the summer and 11 hours in the winter. The day started at 8am with the rather painful sounding ‘ablutions’ and the children were dismissed at 7:15pm after supper. Guthrie describes the daily routine; ‘in the morning they are to break their fast on a diet of the plainest fare, - then march from their meal to their books; in the afternoon they are again to be provided with a dinner of the cheapest kind, - then back again to school; from which after supper, they return not to the walls of an hospital, but to their own homes. There, carrying with them a holy lesson, they may prove Christian missionaries to those dwellings of darkness and sin.'

Guthrie the Preacher

There is a famous story about Dr Thomas Guthrie when he was visiting the studio of an artist. An unfinished picture lay on an easel and Guthrie suggested one or two adjustments that might improve the painting. The artist responded: ‘Dr Guthrie, remember you are a preacher and not a painter.’ With his usual rapier wit Guthrie responded: ‘Beg your pardon, my good friend, I am a painter; only I paint in words, while you use brush and colours.’

While Guthrie’s enduring legacy is his work as a social reformer, his highest calling was always preaching. His colleague, Rev Dr Hanna, said of him: ‘No readier speaker ever stepped on a platform.’ Whatever Guthrie may have lacked in fine theology he made up for in passion and imagery. One anonymous writer said:

‘His oratory wanted none of the polish that distinguished Chalmers’ wild whirlwind bursts, or Hall’s grandly ascending periods, but it had qualities entirely of its own. More, perhaps, than any other preacher of his time, he had the power or knack of fixing truths on the memory. He sent them home as if they had been discharged from a battery, and fixed them there by a process peculiar to himself.’

Guthrie’s pattern of preparation was mainly to study in the early morning. After breakfast he would retire to the vestry where he could be heard rehearsing his sermon. He believed in ‘committing’ his sermon to memory and was scathing of ‘readers’ (those who rigidly read from a script). Like all great preachers, Guthrie spent many hours in preparation and believed ‘that God does not give excellence to men but as the reward of labour.’ Even once his sermons were finished he would revise them: ‘After my discourse was written, I spent hours in correcting it; latterly always for that purpose, keeping a blank page on my manuscript opposite a written one, cutting out dry bits, giving point to dull ones, making clear any obscurity, and narrative parts more graphic, throwing more pathos into appeals, and copying God in His works by adding the ornamental to the useful.’

Despite a deep grasp of truth as can be seen in his published sermons, Guthrie believed in simplicity in his sermons: ‘I used the simplest, plainest terms, avoiding anything vulgar, but always, where possible, employing the Saxon tongue – the mother tongue of my hearers. I studied the style of the addresses with the ancient and inspired prophets delivered to the people of Israel, and saw how, differing from the dry inquisitions or a naked statement of truths, they abound in metaphors, figures, and illustrations.’ As with his character, Guthrie blended a perfect mix of truth and love, passion and solemnity. As he says in a letter to Rev Laurie of Tulliallan: ‘The easier your manner, without losing the character of seriousness and solemnity, so much the better. Vigour and birr, without roaring and bellowing, are ever to be aimed at.’

What can we learn from Thomas Guthrie?

1. Vision - Guthrie had incredible vision. He literally, by God's grace, changed Scotland. His vision was not shaped by the challenges of 19th Century Scotland but rather shaped by the greatness of the God he served. He believed that the Christian gospel could save anyone and transform any community. While others saw homeless and ragged children as burdens or a nuisance, Guthrie saw in these street children the potential for moral and spiritual change. By the time of his death Guthrie had, along with many other social reformers, changed childhood. Rather than being seen as commodities, towards the end of the 19th Century, children were seen as those in need of protection and nurture. Partly as a result of lobbying from social reformers like Guthrie legislation was passed protecting children from working long hours in often dangerous situations.

The DNA of men like Thomas Guthrie and Thomas Chalmers is that they had a big vision. It wasn't a congregational vision or even a Free Church vision but a national vision. Through church extension, the Manse Fund, education and his incredible work with Ragged Schools, Guthrie gave us a great example of the need for a coherent Christian vision for Scotland.

2. Truth - Like so many Christians who get involved in social action, Guthrie never lost his moorings when he become a social reformer. It is clear from his writings that he adhered to the bible as the word of God and remained confessionally Reformed throughout his ministry. He believed in the supremacy and centrality of preaching as the main method that God uses to save sinners. There is no evidence that he ever watered down his preaching or softened his stance on any major Christian doctrine as he became the figurehead for social reform in 19th Century Scotland.

3. Love - As a minister of the gospel, Guthrie embodied love. We are told in James that 'Pure religion and undefiled before God, even the Father, is this, to visit the fatherless, and widows in their adversity, and to keep himself unspotted from the world' James 1 v 27. The fruit of true Christianity is always love for the poor and the oppressed. Many people regard practical love for the poor as a deviation from the gospel. Nothing could be further from the truth. Guthrie's work with ragged children enhanced his message and gave his Christianity a reality and authenticity that made the gospel attractive to sinners. His love was on display throughout the week as he visited some of the worst closes and stairs in the Cowgate, Edinburgh. He was regularly broken by the sights that he saw. Love was the great motivation of his ministry.

This was the same for men like CH Spurgeon as Alex DiPrima says in his excellent book 'Spurgeon and the Poor; ‘Spurgeon believed gospel proclamation and social ministry ought to be inseparable in the work of the church. Good works of love and mercy toward the poor are the hands and feet of the gospel message. The Christian community should be marked by compassion for the poor, and this compassion should adorn the proclamation of the gospel.’ 

4. Hope - It was this combination of truth and love that gave Guthrie such hope for the communities he worked in and for the individuals he sought to reach. The gospel, when preached in all its fullness and freeness, should fill every sinner with a sense of hope that Christ died to reconcile them to a holy God. The church has gone though many periods when this message has been lost or when she has lost confidence in the power of this gospel to reach the darkest and most hopeless parts of our communities. Guthrie (among others) gave the Free Church the belief that the gospel, accompanied by education for the poor and the practical outworking of love through the local church could redeem the darkest and most hopeless communities.

As we said at the start Guthrie’s funeral took place on 28th February 1873.  230 children from the Ragged School attended his funeral and one little girl was overheard saying ‘he was all the father I ever knew.’

Dr Candlish took his funeral and preached on Hebrews 9 v 27, 28. He said;

‘Men of talents, men of abilities, men of learning, are not uncommon. Men powerful in thought are often raised up: but genius, real poetic genius, like Guthrie’s come but once in many generations. We shall not look upon his like soon, if ever. Nor was it genius alone that distinguished him. The warm heart and the ready hand; the heart to feel, and the hand to work. No sentimental dreamer or mooning idealist was he. His pity was ever active.’

May we know some of that 'active pity' as we seek to win Scotland for Christ.  

God is God and You are You: Book Review

Right from the outset of this short book, Rev Thomas Davis, Minister of Carloway Free Church, acknowledges that most of us find evangelism really difficult. That is often because we have come to believe that evangelism is about being skilled in clever techniques and having the right experience. While experience is undoubtably helpful, and no doubt skills can be honed, Thomas Davis helpfully helps us to see that as we step out to witness to others there is ‘a tidal wave of incredible theology backing you up every step pf the way.’ The book then very helpfully helps us to see who God is and who we are so we can become better and brighter witnesses.

In the first half of the book, Thomas Davis helpfully reminds us of who God is. He uses the encounter between God and Moses in Exodus 3 to remind us that God is sovereign, that God takes the initiative, that God is powerful, and that God is compassionate. He helps us to see that when we come to understand these truths and rest in them, evangelism does not become easy, but we lose our fear and these truths change our perspective. Understanding more of who God is gives us gospel confidence, a sense of utter dependence on God, an encouragement to obey the great commission and a belief that we should never give up. The book then helpfully shows us the central place that truth plays in evangelism before reminding us of the glory and beauty of the gospel message. The first section closes with helpful chapters on grace and eternity. How we share the gospel is just as important as the truth we share. The gospel must never be shared through gritted teeth. As Davis says ‘…the message of grace must be communicated with grace.’

The second half of the book looks at who we are. We can be tempted to believe that if we were somebody else, if we were in a different location or if we had extraordinary skills, we could then be effective evangelists. Davis reminds us that God can use us in all our sinfulness and frailty. I found the chapter on witnessing particularly helpful. We are reminded that we are not called to be the judge (casting verdicts on people), we are not called to be the defence (confronting people every time we feel our faith is threatened), nor are we called to be the press (talking about people and their sins rather than talking to them about the gospel). We are called to be witnesses – to testify about Jesus Christ. So often we end up talking to people about the church, church services, the state of society but we are called to talk about Him, in all his glory and beauty. The remaining three chapters are a helpful reminder of the nature of evil, the nature of humanity and a final chapter on the theology and nature of the church. We live in a society where evil is acceptable, entertaining and, as Davis points out, useful to many people. A Biblical understanding of evil, people and the church are all important as we seek to understand evangelism.

This book is excellent for three reasons. Firstly, it is readable. Rev Davis writes clearly, directly and pastorally. Secondly it is short. It is ideal for young people and new Christians who are not used to reading lengthy books on the theology of evangelism. Lastly, this book is encouraging. It reminds us of the kindness and compassion of God who loves sinners and who uses frail vessels to carry the great news of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Book Review - Ministers of the Free North 1843-1974

For those of us who enjoy Highland history and church history in particular, this book is a very welcome addition. The late Rev Hugh Ferrier was a much-loved minister in the Free Church and is particularly remembered as the minister of the Free North from 1975-1990. He was warm, godly, principled and greatly appreciated as a preacher who was Christ centred and deeply doctrinal. I remember as a boy growing up in the Free Church in the 1970’s and 80’s being greatly impacted by his visits to our manse in Oban.  He was gentle, kind and approachable.

Rev Ferrier’s ‘Echoes of Grace’ published by the Free Church of Scotland (Continuing), in 2006, is an excellent survey of how the Lord richly blessed the Free Church in the 19th century and expertly charts her downfall through the higher criticism controversy and the union with the United Presbyterian Church. Scholarship was placed above piety and the consequences were devastating. It is a solemn reminder how quickly pragmatism and error can erode confessional Christianity in a church.

The late Rev Ferrier’s little book on Ministers of the Free Church builds on this work and gives us a rich survey of ministers of the Free North from Rev Archibald Cook (1843 – 1844) right up to Rev Ferrier’s predecessor Rev James Fraser (1968 – 1974). Far from being a dry biographical account, this survey gives is a rich insight into the life of the Free North while giving us glimpses into key moments of church history in Scotland. The seven ministers covered in the book are Archibald Cook, George Mackay, Murdo Mackenzie, John Macleod, Kenneth Cameron, Donald Campbell, and James Fraser. The book shows the impact that one faithful, vibrant congregation can have not just on a Highland community but on the wider work for the church. 

It is fascinating to read about the preparations of the 1888 Free Church General Assembly hosted in Inverness and chaired by Dr Gustavus Aird of Creich. Local office bearers and ministers were involved in a committee that eventually build a structure that could seat 3000 built on ground in Ardross Terrace. The chapter on Principal John Macleod is a wonderful reminder of the calibre of men the Free Church produced and who filled the Free North pulpit. There is much that could be said of the book but perhaps four observations will suffice.

Firstly, much is rightly made of made of ministers, but the book highlights the critical importance of godly office bearers and loyal members and how this leads to stability and consistency in a congregation. As Prof Collins recalled the verdict of a Free Church student on placement at the Free North during John Macleod’s ministry (1913-30) ‘The Free North of those days was a model congregation. Organisation could hardly be improved upon; attendances were excellent, and the loyalty of the people was manifested in their hearty support of the schemes of the church. The Kirk Session was representative of some of the leading business concerns in the town as well as of the humbler occupations.’

Secondly, the Free Church in the Highlands and the Free North in particular, far from being parochial and inward looking, had a big gospel vision. Murdo Mackenzie, Minister of the Free North from 1887-1912 had a deep interest in foreign missions. During his very fruitful ministry in Kilmallie prior to bring called to Inverness he was preaching on Amos 1 when he stopped and asked if anyone was willing to consecrate themselves to the mission field. An elder’s son, Dr James Stewart, offered himself and he trained as a medical missionary in the China Inland Mission. Mackenzie was gifted and inspiring yearly donations of clothes and money for the mission field. Prof T.M. Lindsay said; ‘…if we had a Murdo Mackenzie in every parish, there would be no fear of the Foreign Missions collection.’

The third thing that strikes the reader is that the pastors of the Free North were not ivory tower pastors. They were faithful pastors and regular visitors. They were also engaged and involved in their communities. The Rev John Macleod while pastoring the Free North also accepted the Chair of the old Inverness-shire Education Authority. The Director of Education at the time said of Macleod; ‘…he was unremittingly attentive and suggestive of every point in the discussion and exercised a minimum of interference as long as members kept to the subject before them.’ As with their disruption forefathers, these pastors had a love and concern for their local community which took them out of their studies and pulpits to engage with local people and local issues. They loved reformed theology, but their ministries were grounded in the communities they served.

Fourthly, what shines through these ministries is the commitment to confessional Christianity. Murdo Mackenzie (Free North minister from 1887-1912) stood firm with the constitutional group in 1900 and suffered the ignominy of having the Free North North declared vacant by the United Free Presbytery despite being filled to the door!  Perhaps the most well known minister of the Free North who stood unwavering for reformed, confessional principles was John Macleod who went on to became Principal of the Free Church College.  He had lived through the declension of the latter half of the 19th century and was bold in warning a new generation of the dangers of 'conscience clauses'.  In his Moderators Address in 1920 entitled ‘The Outlook in Regard to the Maintenance of the Reformed Faith’ he said; ‘Holding to the historic faith and worship of Scotland’s Reformed Church, she is content in a day of reproach to share the reproach of a despised Evangel, and look for her vindication not only to the day when the Church’s reproach will be forever removed; she also cherishes the hope that with a glorious revival of true godliness the people of the land of covenants and martyr’s will yet retrace the steps of which they strayed from the good way and that will be a vindication of her contendings.’  

When he was inducted as Principal of the Free Church College in 1927 he gave an address entitled 'Our Work as a Theological College'. During his address he said 'The issue is between the historic reformed faith of Evangelical Christendom and another religion altogether.  There is but one gospel, and another gospel is a rival to it.  It is vain to make room in the Christian nest for the alien intruder, and at the same time to think that the legitimate and natural inmates of that nest shall be left safe in their own home.  Admit the alien, make room for the intruder, and you doom the home born to extrusion and to banishment.'  His lectures 'Scottish Theology in Relation to Church History' delivered at Westminster Theological Seminary in 1939 have remained in print and blessed generations of students who love the doctrines of grace.

Ministers of the Free North Church 1843-1974 is a surprisingly enjoyable and uplifting read. The late Rev Hugh Ferrier tells the story of these ministries gracefully and warmly and gently leads us through over 100 years of the congregational life of the Free North. It is an encouragement and inspiration to us in Scotland today to build strong churches, support faithful ministries and shine the bright light of the gospel into a dark world.

Bringing Hope - Friendship in a Fractured World

This is a conference talk given by Andy Murray at a Christian befriending conference on 23rd September 2023 organised by Edinburgh City Mission and Bethany Christian Trust at Craiglockhart Parish Church, Edinburgh.  Andy Murray is the Programme Director for Safe Families in Scotland.  Safe Families seek to bring hope and belonging to families who are isolated and struggling.  

In the film ‘Castaway’ which hit our screens in 2000 we see a real-life example of what chronic long-term loneliness can do to one person.

Chuck Noland played by Tom Hanks is washed up on a desert island with 100’s of FedEx parcels.

His only friend is a volleyball called Wilson and the only hope he clings to for 4 years is delivering a FedEx parcel with angel’s wings on it.

During the film we see how devastating the effects of isolation are.

There is that famous line when Tom Hanks makes a raft and starts his bid for freedom with Wilson and says ‘Don't worry Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on.’

Chuck Noland had to invent a person to avoid complete madness.

Recently I was up in Peterhead and I took the opportunity to visit the prison museum.

It is haunting walking around the halls where the famous riot took place in 1987.

What is even more eery is the isolation block and in particular one cell where the most problematic prisoners were kept.

It was so isolated that no matter how hard the prisoner banged – not a single sound could be heard from inside the cell, and the prisoner couldn’t hear anything from outside his cell.  The prisoner was cut off from every sound, smell and contact with humanity – the ultimate punishment.

As Drew Hunter says, ‘God had made us in such a way that solitude and sanity cannot co-exist for long. We will eventually only keep one or the other.’ Made for Friendship, p 43.

As humans we are made for connection and community.

But the reality is that we live in an increasingly dislocated, alienated and lonely society.

When David Bowie died of liver cancer in January 2016, he had a ‘direct funeral’.

No friends, no family, no fuss. David Bowie was pretty popular so maybe just the odd choice of an eccentric rock star?  Maybe not.

As The Sunday Post recently reported, Co-op Funeral Care launched direct cremations in 2018 and over the last 5 years they have seen a 350% rise in demand.

12% of all Co-op funerals in the UK now don’t have anyone there.  People are dispatched ‘directly’.

Other funeral directors report that between 15-20% of all cremations are now ‘unattended’ direct cremations.

While no doubt there is an element of cost cutting in the current cost of living crisis, direct unattended funerals are the logical conclusion to our increasingly lonely society.

When Teressa May launched her ‘loneliness strategy’ in October 2018, which included the appointment of Tracey Crouch, Minister for Loneliness, the launch statement said:

‘Three quarters of GPs surveyed have said they are seeing between one and five people a day suffering with loneliness, which is linked to a range of damaging health impacts, like heart disease, strokes and Alzheimer’s disease. Around 200,000 older people have not had a conversation with a friend or relative in more than a month.’

In the wake of the COVID epidemic, another epidemic has gripped our Western World – loneliness - what Mother Teressa called ‘the leprosy of the West.’

During COVID-19 the proportion of people saying they ‘often or always feel lonely’ increased from 1 in 20 to 1 in 14 (The Best of Friends, Phil Knox, p 19).

1. Defining Friendship

So, what is friendship and why do we all long for better, richer and deeper friendships?

Friendship is the sharing of joy or sorrow with people we love and trust.

Drew Hunter in ‘Made for Friendship’ defines friendship in this way:

‘Friendship is an affectionate bond forged between two people as they journey through life with openness and trust.’

Brian Croft in his book ‘Pastoral Friendship’ defines friendship as ‘an intimate relationship of love, trust and loyalty.’

As Christians we believe that we are inescapably communal.  Friendship isn’t a luxury it is a necessity.

As the 19th century Anglican JC Ryle says:

‘This world is full of sorrow because it is full of sin. It is a dark place. It is a lonely place. It is a disappointing place. The brightest sunbeam in it is a friend. Friendships halves our troubles and doubles our joys.’

Proverbs 18 v 1 says, ‘whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgement.’ 

Wisdom is not to be found in contemplative isolation (although there is a time and a place for that) the wise man, according to the Bible, grows and develops rich friendships.

In 2009, Bronnie Ware wrote an online article called ‘Regrets of the Dying’ which were her reflections of nursing terminally ill patients as a palliative nurse.

The article was viewed by millions of people worldwide and Bronnie went on to write a best-selling book ‘The Top Five Regrets of the Dying’.

Along with:

• I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

• I wish I had lived a life true to myself, not the life others expect of me.

• I wish I had allowed myself to be happy.

• I wish I had the courage to express my feelings…

Bronnie found that one of the top five dyeing wishes of her patients was that they had stayed in touch with their friends.

We long for friendship and yet, if many of us are honest, we don’t invest a lot of time in cultivating those friendships.

So we’ve seen how important friendship is but where does this yearning for friendship come from?

2. The Edenic Ache

Well as Christians we believe in a God who dwells in perfect, eternal community.

In Genesis we read that God said, ‘let us make man’.

Mankind was not made from a solitary cosmic being but a loving Trinity.

Our designer is relational and that is why we have connection in our DNA.

As Drew Hunter says, '…the Trinity shows us that the ultimate reality is not eternal nothingness. It is not eternal matter. It is not an eternal force. Ultimate reality is personal, relational, and exuberantly joyful. Before there was anything, there was love. There was, in a sense, friendship.’  

Made for Friendship, p 123.

This triune God created man with an inbuilt ‘with-ness.’

God created everything good and very good. Seven times in Genesis 1 God comments on his handiwork.  But even before the fall, even before sin came into the world, God said it was not good for man to be alone.

As Drew Hunter says:

‘Every soul reverberates with the Edenic ache for friendship. It’s an ancient and primal longing. We are inescapably communal.’ Made for Friendship, p 43.

The desire for connection is not the result of sin but the result of a Triune God building friendship and community into our DNA.

As Tim Keller said, ‘Adam was not lonely because he was imperfect, but because he was perfect. The ache for friends is the one ache that is not the result of sin…This is one ache that is part of his perfection…God made us in such a way that we cannot enjoy paradise without friends.’  Sermon on Spiritual Friendship in Redeemer Presbyterian Church, March 1, 1998.

We live in a fractured, alienated, and lonely society.  But we trust in a Triune God who has created us for connection and community.

Into this broken and sinful world came the Lord Jesus Christ with the mission to reconcile us back to God so like Abraham and Enoch we could be called the friends of God.

The night before his crucifixion Jesus said, ‘No longer do I call you servants…I have called you friends.’ John 15 v 15.  Jesus came to lay down his life for His people so that we could become His friend and grasp what true friendship really is.

Christ said ‘Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.’ John 15 v 13.

Christianity is a faith that celebrates friendship.  History tells the drama of friendship created, lost, and then restored in Christ.

As Tim Keller says, ‘the entire history of redemption – in a sense – is a giant act of friendship.’

3. Barriers to Friendship

Before we go in to look at the marks of friendship – what aspects of modern life have compounded our capacity to build deep and lasting friendships?

a) Busyness

When was the last time we sent a letter or wrote a card?

When was the last time we befriended someone, visited someone who lives alone?

When was the last time we visited our wider family?

We are too busy.

Over 1 billion people and 42% of the entire workforce of Britain are now knowledge workers where they use their brain to work.

This work has no start and end – often people are logging on to meetings with colleagues in America or the Far East at all hours of the day and night.

Work can reach us anywhere, at any time. There is no rest – we are never ‘not at work’.

Busyness crowds out deep connection and friendships.

Friendships are not developed in a vacuum – they need time.

As Phil Knox says, ‘Time is the oxygen of friendship. Spend enough time in someone’s presence, with no agenda and enough conversation, and the magic of relationship begins to take effect.’ The Best of Friends, p 22.

b) Technology

Email, texting and social media have literally transformed how we interact.

They can often complement our relationships.

But unfortunately, as Drew Hunter say ‘we often trade deep communion for digital communication’.

Stephen Marche in his 2012 article ‘Is Facebook Making Us Lonely’ says:

‘We live in an accelerating contradiction: the more connected we become, the lonelier we are. We were promised a global village; instead, we inhabit the drab cul-de-sacs and endless freeways of a vast suburb of information.’

Technology

· depersonalises communication,

· disengages us from real relationships,

· disembodies real conversation.

· creates dependence on impersonal ways of addressing difficult issues.

Netflix now acknowledges that its greatest rival is not another streaming service – its greatest rival is sleep (quoted in Best of Friends, Phil Knox, p 26).

Social media has allowed us to have more connections but fewer real friendships.

As Drew Hunter says:

‘Friendship should be more like a submarine, holding few and going deep. But we’ve made it more like a cruise ship, filled with lots of nice people whom we don’t know well at all.’ Made for Friendship p 26.

c) Mobility

My grandparents stayed on the same croft just outside Dornoch for their whole lives.

They knew everyone in their community, relatives lived nearby, and their roots were deep in that community. They were committed to the local Free Church in a way that is almost unrecognisable to us today.

Relationships take time, they need deep soil. But we live in a transient society.

Mobility can stop us from putting down deep roots and investing in lasting relationships.

Interestingly greater mobility influences whether people volunteer or not.

As Jon Yates says, ‘People who plan to leave somewhere in the next 5 years are 20-25% less likely to get involved in voluntary activities, attend religious activities, join a club. Transience changes too the behaviour of those who stay put. They too are less likely to get involved in voluntary activities.’ 

Jon Yates, quoted in Best of Friends, Phil Knox, p 24.

4. So how does the Bible define friendship?

I don’t know what your best memory of friendship is.

For me, it was weekends spent in a place called Kylerhea, Skye with 2-3 friends.

The old glass coffee pot bubbled away on the old stove, we played chess for hours and rowed the boat across to Glenelg.

When I think back, I feel a warmth, a comfort and a safety.

In his book The Four Loves – C.S. Lewis called these moments an ‘Affection’.

‘Those are the golden sessions…when our slippers are on, our feet spread out towards the blaze and our drinks at our elbows; when the whole world, and something beyond the world, opens itself to our minds as we talk…at the same time an Affection mellowed by the years enfolds us. Life – natural life – has no better gift to give.’

So, what are the marks of great friendship?

a) Affection

A friend is someone who holds us in high esteem – one who loves us.

This affection is often displayed by our presence.

When Jonathan went to David at Horeh in the wilderness of Ziph, David must have been at one of the lowest points in his life.

Jonathan didn’t send a messenger, he didn’t send a letter, he showed up (1 Sam 23 v 15-18).

It says, ‘he helped him to find strength in God.’

Sometimes we are crushed, sometimes we are overwhelmed and we just need somebody else to show up in the darkness and hold a candle for us.

We may not have all the answers, but we underestimate the power of presence.

David and Jonathan give us an example of love and affection.

b) Constancy

The Biblical teaching on friendship is covenantal rather than consumerist.

Friends don’t desert us in our darkest hour.

‘A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity’ Proverbs 17 v 17.

We see this again with David and Jonathan in 1 Sam 20 v 8.

‘Deal kindly with your servant, for you have brought your servant into a covenant of the Lord with you.’

This word ‘deal kindly’ is the Hebrew word for steadfast covenant love.

David and Jonathan were covenant friends bound to each other for life.

We see this level of friendship in the book for Ruth between Ruth and Naomi. It is more than family loyalty it is covenant love.

c) Transparency

Most of us would agree that relationships need honesty but it’s possible to be honest without being open.

Real friends often know us better than we know ourselves.

True friends walk in the light together – there is no deceit or underhandedness.

John says, ‘If we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.’ (1 John 1 v 7).

Walking in the light isn’t just about obedience, its about coming out of hiding.

True friends help us to come out of hiding and live in integrity.

When we confess our sins to God and each other, then we find real forgiveness and friendship.

d) Candor or honesty

True friendship involves speaking the truth in love.

As Proverbs 27 v 5-6 remind us; ‘Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.’

If we see a friend who is about to commit and act of foolishness, true friendship requires us to gently and lovingly speak up.

As the Puritan Thomas Goodwin once said;

‘Simplicity and plain heartedness…is the truest and rarest jewel of friendship.’ Thomas Goodwin

e) Empathy

Another mark of true friendship, according to the Bible, is empathy.

Friends weep with those who weep.

We enter into the emotional state of our friend, we sit with them, we walk with them in their brokenness.

Brene Brown says: “Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It's simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of 'you're not alone. '”

When my sister was dying in 2018/19, two friends phoned me almost every week.

Often there wasn’t much to say but their call meant a lot to me.

One of them flew up all the way from London just to be at her funeral in October 2019.

d) Trust

Have you ever been betrayed by a friend?

Perhaps you shared something in confidence, and it was betrayed.

The book of Proverbs is full of advice about friendship, but is also has a lot to say about ‘the whisperer.’

‘Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates friends.’ Prov 17 v 9.

Isn’t this rife in Christian circles?

How much gossip is repackaged as ‘concern’ or ‘for prayer’.

If friendship isn’t built on the sure foundation of trust, we need to fix it quick or move out fast.

Conclusion

At the end of Castaway, Chuck Noland is picked up by a cargo ship and returns home. 

He delivers the FedEx package with the angel’s wings and leaves a note that the package had saved his life. 

The man who lived his live solving productivity problems found that life had little meaning or purpose without love, friendship and connection. 

We as Christians have the opportunity to offer this beautiful gift of friendship to our lonely, alienated and fractured world.

Friendship can be costly but Christ has given us the greatest example of what He was willing to do for his friends. 

As Hugh Black says ‘we have few friendships, because we are not willing to pay the price of friendship…The secret of friendship is the secret of all spiritual blessing.  The way to get is to give.’  Made for Friendship, p 97.  

Recommended Reading.

‘Made for Friendship’, Drew Hunter, Crossway, 2018

‘The Best of Friends’, Phil Knox, IVP, 2023

‘Pastoral Friendship’ Haykin, Croft and Carroll, CFP, 2022

Why don't you think of volunteering with one of these charities who connect with isolated and vulnerable individuals and families?

Edinburgh City Mission

Bethany Christian Trust

Safe Families