24 Words - Disclosure

This is the fourteenth (I know I'm way behind) of 24 blog 'thoughts' throughout June as part of a challenge to honour my sister Anna Murray who died on 20th October 2019. You can read my reflections on my sister here and watch a film I made about her here. If you want to donate to Pancreatic Cancer UK you can do so here. These posts will be short 'thoughts' rather than detailed blog posts. So far we have looked at the words rest, steadfast, hope, mercy, lament, providence, grieve, lockdown, prognosis, covenant, preaching, wilderness, mission and now disclosure. 

Last week the BBC aired a documentary called 'Disclosure'. It was about the ongoing scandal of the Queen Elizabeth University Hospital particularly around the water supply and the ventilation system. It was heart breaking to hear from Kimberley Darroch who spoke about the death of her daughter Milly Main in 2017 from an infection while she was being treated for cancer in the QEUH. What was so shocking about the programme was to hear from whistle-blowers and how they raised concerns time and time again and their concerns were brushed under the carpet.  Anyone who has worked in the public sector will know something of the bravery one needs to speak out against the establishment.  I am so thankful for Dr Christine Peters who was interviewed during the documentary and spoke with great dignity and articulated the concerns of many others about the hospital.  No doubt she bears the scars of speaking out and putting patient safety before her career.  She deserves our thanks and she deserves to be vindicated for her principles.

The documentary and the headlines around the QEUH were no great surprise to me.  As I nursed my sister Anna through her painful and traumatic journey with pancreatic cancer it all culminated in her almost collapsing in Glasgow and being rushed to the QEUH in October 2019.  Up until then I had been in awe of the medical treatment Anna had received at the Western General in Edinburgh. They had extended her life 2-3 times beyond her prognosis and I/we had nothing but admiration for the nurses and doctors who helped her.

Nothing really prepared us for QEUH.  Travelling through every day from Livingston was stressful enough but the whole hospital suffers from a degree of dysfunction. Toilet doors don't fit, communication is poor, departments are completely silo'd, staff are in short supply and I would say the whole hospital is far too big and unwieldy.  Within the system most staff are genuinely trying to do a good job in a challenging environment. I often felt sorry for the staff, many of whom were young and inexperienced nurses who seemed slightly lost and out of their depth.  There was a moment of comedic irony when I went down to get Anna her daily cappuccino one day and was told that the NHS run cafe Aroma didn't allow chocolate sprinkles 'because it wasn't healthy for patients'.

The 6 days that Anna spent in the QEUH were amongst the most traumatic days of my life but I can't even begin to imagine what they were like for Anna.  Almost unable to swallow she kept being presented with sold food and despite repeated requests we were told that the medical and catering departments were completely separate.  What she needed, and what she eventually got at the Accord Hospice, was a tailored and bespoke liquid menu.  When you are in the last few days of life tasty, nutritious food is more important than medication.  But at the QEUH basic care and empathy were in short supply.  Like so much of medical care today  'patient centred' is now interpreted as 'buzz if you need us'.  For somebody who is days from death, dehydrated and weak, this was easier said than done.  Even as a fit, confident and relatively intelligent relative I found myself baffled as to who was looking after my sister and it could take me hours to find answers to simple questions. 

Perhaps the greatest evidence of the dysfunction in the QEUH was Anna's attempt to get paracetamol.  The staff kept bringing in large chalky tablets in and we kept explaining that she couldn't swallow them and she needed smaller capsules.  We were instructed that the NHS couldn't provide these but we were welcome to buy them ourselves.  I found myself buying paracetamol, plasters and cream to rub on her dry and cracked skin.  As the week went on and Anna got weaker and weaker and ate less and less the staff still kept bringing creon's  for digestion.  Anna would secrete these until the staff left.  When she died she had a purse full of tablets.  Nursing seemed to have become little less than delivering tablets with no insight into what they were for or whether the patient was actually eating.

Throughout the week Anna was at the QEUH we thought a hospice placement was being arranged but it was only on the Thursday (5 days after admission) we discovered that this hadn't even started and there was a very fraught meeting with the hospice team on the Thursday before she was eventually moved on the Friday. The events surrounding her transfer were chaotic and distressing but an ambulance was eventually found after I threatened to take her myself.  From getting dressed to being transferred Anna has to wait 5 uncomfortable hours. 

Thankfully the care and love Anna received at Accord Hospice in Paisley quickly erased the memories of the QEUH.  The staff were compassionate, patient centred, flexible and caring.  Anna was reunited with Storm and Shadow and her final 10 days were comfortable and peaceful.  A cheerful chef came in every morning and asked Anna what she wanted (and could manage) and then made her soup, stewed fruit and custard.  She was immediately put on a drip and was re-hydrated.  Her mouth which had caused her huge distress all week became the focus for the staff and they were soon able to clear up the infection.  The staff constantly kept the family updated.  The consultant took me aside at the start and explained his prognosis and allowed me to support Anna through her final days.  Anna died peacefully on 20th October 2019.  The staff at Accord were wonderful with us as a family as we said goodbye to Anna this side of eternity.

A few months later I wrote a long and detailed letter to the Health Secretary and eventually had a meeting with three members of the QEUH management.  I was not angry but I explained our experience as calmly and clearly as I could in the hope that it will lead to changes.  I was promised that staff induction would be enhanced to hear more from patients and their families.  I was also assured that 'estates' would follow up ill fitting doors.  They were very polite and listened to me with patience and compassion.  I hope it will make a difference.

I have nothing but respect for the NHS.  It has cared for my family on many occasions.  While my sister was battling pancreatic cancer my father was in and out of three separate hospitals in Edinburgh and Glasgow before he died this year.  I see the pressures that medical staff are under and I genuinely sympathise.  But what I saw at the QEUH with my sister and also when my father was in Gartnavel Royal Hospital after a stroke was both a lack of basic compassion and a complete breakdown in leadership.  What ever happened to bossy Staff Nurses?  They might have been scary but wards were well organised and young nurses were clear what they were doing.

Dysfunction is fairly common in very large bureaucratic organisations that become almost impervious to feedback and who see whistle blowers as a threat rather than an opportunity to learn and improve.  I also wonder if academia has become the main criteria for nursing rather than compassion and empathy?  This is not to say that the majority of nurses are not loving and caring but during the week Anna spent in the QEUH I never heard anyone ask my sister what she wanted or how she was coping with days to live.  She needed very basic and personal care which was simply lacking.  More hand holding and less tablet delivering was needed.  If this means more staffing and higher taxes its a price I'm happy to pay.  My suspicion is that less waste and better leadership would go a long way to solving the issue.

I don't know enough about health to know if my/our experience was isolated or widespread but I can only hope that the bravery and boldness of whistle blowers will lead to better health care in Scotland.  Compassion and care are the best medicines to make people feel better and they are surely what all doctors and nurses came in to medicine to provide.   

24 Words - Mission

This is the thirteenth (I know I'm way behind) of 24 blog 'thoughts' throughout June (and July) as part of a challenge to honour my sister Anna Murray who died on 20th October 2019. You can read my reflections on my sister here and watch a film I made about her here. If you want to donate to Pancreatic Cancer UK you can do so here. These posts will be short 'thoughts' rather than detailed blog posts.  So far we have looked at the words rest, steadfast, hope, mercy, lament, providence, grieve, lockdown, prognosis, covenant, preaching, wilderness and tonight we are going to look at mission.  This blog has been kindly written by my good friend Duncan Cuthill, CEO of Edinburgh City Mission.

The word ‘mission’ is used in different ways to mean different things by different people. I’ve always had a positive view of the word, ever since I became a Christian.

Our experiences of taking initial steps to follow Jesus vary, but for me, I had a very specific moment when I came to know the Lord.  It was in my home at 11:25pm on 14^th April 1985, after a mission event that I had attended at what was then called Carrubbers Close Mission on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh. At a mission event, in a mission hall… so I’ve always felt drawn not just to the word ‘mission’ but to mission itself, as my relationship with God came into being as a result of Christians who went before me who had a passion for mission. Humanly speaking, my faith is the fruit of their labour. 

The speaker that night was called Nicky Cruz, a Puerto Rican evangelist who was well-known at the time. There were three things which impacted me through his preaching: revelation, testimony and response. Nicky shared a verse from Paul’s letter to the Romans: “That if you confess with your lips that ‘Jesus is Lord’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, then you will be saved.” And he told his own story. Nicky was cursed by his parents as a child, they put him on a one-way plane journey to New York as a teenager, he joined, and soon led, a street-gang called the Mau-Maus; but then there was a remarkable moment in Nicky’s life when an evangelist called David Wilkerson shared his faith in Christ with Nicky: Nicky broke down in tears as he responded to the good news of God’s love in Jesus.

Revelation, testimony and response.  For a long time, I thought these were the three key elements of mission because, in my experience, this combination of God speaking through His word with clarity and assurance, and Nicky being a living ‘object lesson’ – I learned that night at Carrubbers that a disenfranchised, violent gang-leader like Nicky could be forgiven and have his life turned around - showed me that God was willing to accept people like me, despite everything that made me worry that He wouldn’t.  And if God was able to give people like Nicky a new start, why not me?  So I felt an urge to respond at the end of the meeting.  But I hesitated.  It wasn’t until I got home a couple of hours later that I responded with a prayer of faith, a confession with my lips that ‘Jesus is Lord.’ But more than my short, sincere, teenage prayer, I knew that God had initiated something in my life and that the course of my life had changed, because He’d changed my heart.

The word ‘mission’ is derived from the Latin word missio, which means ‘to be sent.’

Jesus was the greatest missionary, sent by God into the world as the ultimate expression of God’s love, that we might live through him (1 John 4: 9).  And Jesus sends us, in turn: “Peace be with you; as the Father has sent me, I also send you.”  (John 20:21). If we take this seriously, the questions that each of need to ask God are: “Who? Where? How?”

We are of infinite value to God.  I cannot fully express the depth of love that God has for us: that Jesus left His Father’s side to “dwell amongst us”, to live life with his friends and family, to bring peace and healing, instruction and justice; eventually he was betrayed, falsely accused and then nailed to a cross to suffer and die on our behalf, before rising again, conquering the power of death. This account is a message, this message is a gift, this gift displays God’s grace and is more valuable than anything that the world has to offer us: all heaven rejoices when we receive the gift of God’s grace, which sets us free.    

Over the years, my understanding of mission has developed.  I still believe that three elements are essential: sharing God’s self-revelation found in the story-line of the Bible - which finds its fullest expression in Jesus; telling Bible characters’ stories, and our own, of how our loving heavenly Father draws us into a relationship with Himself; and the need for a response, to say “Yes” to God when He calls us to look to Jesus, receive him by faith and follow him. But my view of mission has grown and continues to grow, in other areas: the central need to pursue God Himself; the joy and attraction of worship; the key role of the Holy Spirit; the necessity and power of prayer; a longing for the coming of the kingdom as God’s will is done in our families, churches and communities; God’s favour towards the sick, the poor and the disenfranchised, which is most clearly seen in the life of Jesus; the call for Christians to love one another across the whole church; the value of generosity; and the strength of mission being done with others, loving our communities together: running courses, providing for those who are in crisis, and enjoying meals together.

When Jesus declared the kingdom and preached good news, He embodied the good news. He prayed, acted and spoke, demonstrating and teaching the compassion and love of God, warning the powerful and welcoming those who would humble themselves and receive him into their lives. His mission is our mission. 

24 Words - Wilderness

This is the twelfth (I know I'm way behind) of 24 blog 'thoughts' throughout June as part of a challenge to honour my sister Anna Murray who died on 20th October 2019. You can read my reflections on my sister here and watch a film I made about her here. If you want to donate to Pancreatic Cancer UK you can do so here. These posts will be short 'thoughts' rather than detailed blog posts.  So far we have looked at the words rest, steadfast, hope, mercy, lament, providence, grieve, lockdown, prognosis, covenant, preaching and today I want to look at wilderness.

I was really stuck by this article by Mike Emlet on the CCEF website.  So much of the Bible is about the wilderness: Hagar, Abraham, Joseph, David and of course John the Baptist and Christ all spent time in the wilderness.  The whole Exodus story took place in the wilderness.  God led people into the wilderness to learn certain things.  Hagar met the Lord in the wilderness of Beersheba (Gen 21 v 17).  God met with the people of Israel again and again in the wilderness and the stories and theology from those wilderness journeys are the foundation for the whole Bible.  The wilderness is a recurring theme in the Psalms and is big theme in the prophets particularly Isaiah and Jeremiah. Famously Isaiah predicts the coming of the Lord: 

A voice cries: “In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord;

make straight in the desert a highway for our God.

Every valley shall be lifted up,

and every mountain and hill be made low;

the uneven ground shall become level,

and the rough places a plain.

And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed,

and all flesh shall see it together,

for the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”

The wilderness might not look much but it was the place where John the Baptist prepared for the greatest man who ever walked the earth - the Lord Jesus Christ.

The wilderness can be a lonely place.  Perhaps we feel like the owl in the wilderness in Psalm 102 v 6.

As Mike Emlet says it can also be monotonous.  He reminds of the Isrealites gathering manna morning after morning: 

'Put yourself in their place. Each day is nearly the same. Wake up. Gather manna. Check to see if the cloud lifted from the Tabernacle to indicate whether you were to pack up or stay put. Build a cooking fire. Prepare the manna for your next meal. Eat. Clean up. Prepare manna for your next meal. Eat. Clean up. Take a goat to the priest as a sin offering once you are convicted of your anger toward your brother. Change clothes. Go to sleep. Wake up and repeat. One day kind of blends into the next. Forty years = 14,600 days = 350,400 hours. That seems like a lot of monotony.'

The last 12 weeks have often felt monotonous.  It has felt frustrating.  But could it be that God had led us into the wilderness, into lockdown to teach us some important lessons?  Could it be that we are questioning God like the Israelite's 'can God spread a table in the wilderness?' (Psalm 78 v 19).  How does the Psalmist respond? 'He struck the rock so that water gushed out and streams overflowed.  Can he also give bread or provide meat for his people?'  

Could it be that like Hagar, as we cry out to God that we meet with him in a glorious way during our wilderness experience?  Lets not despise the wilderness, God has thing to teach us.

24 Words - Preaching

This is the eleventh of 24 blog 'thoughts' throughout June as part of a challenge to honour my sister Anna Murray who died on 20th October 2019. You can read my reflections on my sister here and watch a film I made about her here. If you want to donate to Pancreatic Cancer UK you can do so here. These posts will be short 'thoughts' rather than detailed blog posts.  So far we have looked at the words rest, steadfast, hope, mercy, lament, providence, grieve, lockdown, prognosis, covenant and now I would look to look at the word preaching.

There is a famous story about Dr Thomas Guthrie when he was visiting the studio of an artist.  An unfinished picture lay on an easel and Guthrie suggested one or two adjustments that might improve the painting.  The artist responded: ‘Dr Guthrie, remember you are a preacher and not a painter.’  With his usual rapier wit Guthrie responded: ‘Beg your pardon, my good friend, I am a painter; only I paint in words, while you use brush and colours.’ 

While Guthrie’s enduring legacy is his work as a social reformer, his highest calling was always preaching.  His colleague, Rev Dr Hanna, said of him: ‘No readier speaker ever stepped on a platform.’  Whatever Guthrie may have lacked in fine theology he made up for in passion and imagery.  One anonymous writer said: ‘His oratory wanted none of the polish that distinguished Chalmers’ wild whirlwind bursts, or Hall’s grandly ascending periods, but it had qualities entirely of its own.  More, perhaps, than any other preacher of his time, he had the power or knack of fixing truths on the memory.  He sent them home as if they had been discharged from a battery, and fixed them there by a process peculiar to himself.’

Like many ministers Thomas Guthrie matured into a great preacher over time.  Unlike other students, Guthrie had taken extra elocution lessons while studying divinity and realised that the manner as well as the matter was important in preaching: ‘the manner is to the matter as the powder is to the ball.  I had heard very indifferent discourses made forcible by a vigorous, and able ones reduced to feebleness by a poor, pith less delivery.’ He was inspired by great orators of the past and mentions Demosthenes, Cicero and Whitfield in his Autobiography as those who inspired him in his desire to be the very best communicator of sacred truth. 

Guthrie had to wait five years for a call to his first charge in Arbirlot in 1830.  During his ‘wilderness years’ of travelling in France and working in his father’s bank he battled with doubts about his calling.  Even once he was settled into his first charge he saw little response from the largely church-going parish of Arbirlot.  As one writer says of Guthrie’s early frustration: ‘He had thundered in their ears the terrors of Mount Sinai; he had sounded the Gospel trumpet with a blast loud enough to rouse the dead; he had implored, threatened, and almost scolded them: but nothing seemed to permanently arrest their attention – they went to sleep under his most fervent and heart stirring appeals.’  One day, almost by accident rather than design, the young Guthrie told an anecdote in his sermon.  The effect was electric and when he came home he told his wife that he had discovered how to keep his congregation awake.  From then on, he wove into his sermons the imagery of nature and history.  As Guthrie says in one of his many letters: ‘A thing is easily remembered which is striking, and retained which is striking; and what does not impress your own mind in these ways, and therefore is committed with difficulty, you may be sure won’t tell on the minds of your hearers.  An illustration or an example drawn from nature, a Bible story or any history, will, like a nail, often hang a thing with would otherwise fall to the ground.  Put such into your passage and you will certainly mend it.’

Guthrie’s pattern of preparation was mainly to study in the early morning.  After breakfast he would retire to the vestry where he could be heard rehearsing his sermon.  He believed in ‘committing’ his sermon to memory and was scathing of ‘readers’ (those who rigidly read from a script).  Like all great preachers, Guthrie spent many hours in preparation and believed ‘that God does not give excellence to men but as the reward of labour.’  Even once his sermons were finished he would revise them: ‘After my discourse was written, I spent hours in correcting it; latterly always for that purpose, keeping a blank page on my manuscript opposite a written one, cutting out dry bits, giving point to dull ones, making clear any obscurity, and narrative parts more graphic, throwing more pathos into appeals, and copying God in His works by adding the ornamental to the useful.’

Despite a deep grasp of truth as can be seen in his published sermons, Guthrie believed in simplicity in his sermons: ‘I used the simplest, plainest terms, avoiding anything vulgar, but always, where possible, employing the Saxon tongue – the mother tongue of my hearers.  I studied the style of the addresses with the ancient and inspired prophets delivered to the people of Israel, and saw how, differing from the dry inquisitions or a naked statement of truths, they abound in metaphors, figures, and illustrations.’  As with his character, Guthrie blended a perfect mix of truth and love, passion and solemnity. As he says in a letter to Rev Laurie of Tulliallan: ‘The easier your manner, without losing the character of seriousness and solemnity, so much the better.  Vigour and birr, without roaring and bellowing, are ever to be aimed at.’ 

Interestingly and perhaps rather controversially, Guthrie was not a fan of ministers, particularly new ministers, preaching 3-4 times per week and felt that this was an impossible burden to place on men with large congregations.  Rather amusingly Guthrie quotes in his Autobiography Robert Hall who was once asked how many sermons a preacher could deliver in a week.  Hall replied: ‘If he is a deep thinker and great condenser, he may get up one; if he is an ordinary man two; but if he is an ass, sir, he will produce half a dozen!’  Guthrie dispensed with two services in his first charge at Arbirlot and replaced the evening service with a catechism class.  Far from detracting from the centrality of preaching, Guthrie used this class to make sure his hearers had understood what was preached in the morning.  Given that it was mainly young people aged 15-25 Guthrie tried, as much as possible to make things as simple as possible: ‘the sermon or lecture, delivered in the forenoon, was gone over head by head, introduction and peroration, the various topics being set forth by illustrations drawn from nature, the world, history, etc., of a kind that greatly interested the people such as would not always have suited the dignity and gravity of the pulpit.’

The Rev George Hay recounts a story of hearing Guthrie pleading with sinners.  His vivid description of a shipwreck and the launching of a lifeboat to save those who were perishing was so vivid that a sea Captain in the front seat of the gallery was convinced he was in physical danger and had to be comforted by his mother.  Dr Guthrie leaves a wonderful legacy of passionate gospel preaching.  He laboured to communicate deep gospel truths in a way that was relevant to the society he lived in.  How we desperately need such passionate preaching in Scotland today!

24 Words - Covenant

This is the tenth of 24 blog 'thoughts' throughout June as part of a challenge to honour my sister Anna Murray who died on 20th October 2019. You can read my reflections on my sister here and watch a film I made about her here. If you want to donate to Pancreatic Cancer UK you can do so here. These posts will be short 'thoughts' rather than detailed blog posts.  So far we have looked at the words rest, steadfast, hope, mercy, lament, providence, grieve, lockdown, prognosis and now I would look to look at the word covenant.

I grew up in an atmosphere where I would often hear the word 'covenant' and the phrase 'covenant theology'.  My uncle would often reply when asked if he enjoyed a preacher - after a short silence - 'he (the preacher) could do with some covenant theology'.  Basically this was code for the preacher being pretty superficial and shallow and didn't understanding the interplay between systematic and biblical theology that help us to see the bible as the great picture of unfolding redemption that it is.  The bible is not a random series of stories.  Not is their a clash between the Old and New Testament as if God couldn't quite get it right in the old but finally got on track in the new.  God never changes and so much of what we see in the old is seen more sharply in the new particularly in the person and work of the Lord Jesus Christ.  As somebody has said 'the name of Jesus is whispered on every page of the Old Testament.'  You might find David Murray's 'Jesus on Every Page' podcasts helpful particularly this A beginners guide to covenant theology.

What is it?
I found this podcast by Nancy Guthrie and Ligon Duncan really helpful in understanding what a covenant is.  Ligon Duncan acknowledges the work and ministry of Owen Palmer Robertson and his work 'Christ and the Covenants'.  Essentially O. Palmer Robertson defines a covenant as 'a bond in blood sovereignly administered'.  A covenant is the sign or seal on a relationship between God and his people.  It is a bond in blood symbolising that it is life and death.  This relationship or covenant is serious.  Its not like a marriage relationship that people cast aside after a few years.  Covenants in the bible are often associated with blood sacrifices to show that to violate the covenant is to court codemnation and death.  The covenant is sovereignly administered because Gods offers the covenant in grace and they are received by his people by faith.  As Ligon Duncan says of covenant theology: 'It also shows how the whole Bible hangs together. Because the Bible story, it’s not a series of disconnected actions, and activities, and histories, and stories, it’s one continuous plan and purpose of God unfolding. And the Bible itself will structure that plan using the covenant.'

How does it help?

Well covenant theology helps us to have a much deeper understanding on the sacrifice and death of Christ.  Genesis 3 is connected to the cross.  The promise to Abraham is fulfilled in Christ.  The Psalms, seen through covenant theology, become messianic hymns, rather than old fashioned songs superseded by the latest praise and worship craze.  As Ligon Duncan says: 'In the Bible, both the Old Testament and the New, if you understand the covenants, God Himself supplies the sacrifice that we need. We’re not getting something out of God by sacrifice, God is giving something to us in sacrifice.'  We see this in the story of Abraham and Isaac at Mount Moriah.  It is God who supplies the substitutionary sacrifice that Abraham so desperately needs.  He is 'the God who provides'.  We start to see that even in the so called 'covenant of works' God is working in grace. 

Covenant theology also helps with our assurance.  I've known many people to struggle with assurance of salvation, particularly Christians brought up in the Highlands.  Assurance is sometimes confused with arrogance or over confidence.  But assurance of salvation is not about our goodness but about our security in what Christ has done.  Again to quote Ligon Duncan: '...lots of wonderful Christians struggle with assurance, for lots of different reasons. One of the reasons that we struggle with assurance is that, frankly, sometimes we’re so aware of our own personal sin and failure, in the past and in the present, that we have this sneaking suspicion, “I’m not sure that there’s something that really can cover my sin.” And Covenant theology comes along and says, “Look at what God has done in order to assure you of His love to you and the security of your salvation.”  If your sense of security with Him is based on anything in you, you’re toast, you’re done for, because as Thomas Boston used to say, “If men knew what was in my heart, I wouldn’t have four friends left in Scotland.” 

Covenant theology is a rich source of encouragement for us as it helps us to see that God's love for us was not an afterthought.  It wasn't a backup plan.  God has always been a covenant making and a covenant keeping God.  The covenants have always been based on God's grace and they have unfolded to reveal a rich and beautiful plan of salvation that climaxed at the cross of Christ.  Jesus is the fulfilment of of so many many covenant promises.  David's life has many twists and turns but at the end his great hope was in the God of the covenant. 

The Spirit of the Lord spake by me, and his word was in my tongue.

The God of Israel said, the Rock of Israel spake to me, He that ruleth over men must be just, ruling in the fear of God.

And he shall be as the light of the morning, when the sun riseth, even a morning without clouds; as the tender grass springing out of the earth by clear shining after rain.

Although my house be not so with God; yet he hath made with me an everlasting covenant, ordered in all things, and sure: for this is all my salvation, and all my desire, although he make it not to grow.

2 Samuel 23 v 2-5

24 Words - Prognosis

This is the ninth of 24 blog 'thoughts' throughout June as part of a challenge to honour my sister Anna Murray who died on 20th October 2019. You can read my reflections on my sister here and watch a film I made about her here. If you want to donate to Pancreatic Cancer UK you can do so here. These posts will be short 'thoughts' rather than detailed blog posts.

On the 27th of February 2018 I was driving along the M8 as the snow was falling and everyone was heading for the warmth of home.  Suddenly my mobile rang.  It was my sister Anna.  She never usually phoned my mobile so I immediately had a sense that something wan't right.  Anna was always pretty direct and she immediately told me she had a tumour on her pancreas.  I guess in the shock of life changing news you immediately go in to denial.  Perhaps it was a misdiagnosis?  Even if it was serious surely there is a lot they can do now?  

Around four weeks later all denial was swiftly shattered in a stark consultants room at the Edinburgh Royal Infirmary.  A member of Anna's church was in the waiting area and I thought it was a beautiful thing to do at such a difficult time.  After a career in social work I'm used to managing stress but nothing really prepared me for that consultation.  The doctor spoke for a long time, asked lots of questions and I began to wonder if I had misunderstood what was going on.  Eventually I interrupted and asked for a prognosis. The consultant looked at my sister and said 'we are looking at months rather than years'.  Silence. I remember putting my hand on my sisters shoulder in lieu of knowing what else to say or do.  I remember thinking that at some point we would be ushered in to a comfortable lounge with Macmillan nurses and given a cup of coffee and some hankies and somebody might help us think through how we would break this news to our parents, wider family and friends.  But no, we were ushered out in to the bright Edinburgh sun to pay our car park bill and head home.  

The next few weeks were brutal as Anna's weight plummeted but we pressed on with her 50th birthday party at Romano Bridge.   I organised and MC'd the event with Kirsteen but I was struggling to hold back the tears for most of the day.  When Anna's pastor started speaking about how much she was loved by her church family I lost it.  It felt like the birthday party was also a farewell and in many ways that is the way it worked out.  The next time we were all together like that again was at Anna's funeral.  

By the time we went to Anna's first appointment at the Western General I was feeling pretty fragile.  I remember walking into the Maggie Centre and immediately feeling warmth and love from the nurse who greeted us.  It was a haven for the next few months that Anna and I would return to during appointments.  I don't suppose the staff will ever understand how much they helped us get through the next 18 months.  Terminal illness is so much more bearable with love, support and humanity on hand.

Throughout Anna's illness I took huge comfort in the book of Ruth.  Anna was a strong, resilient woman a bit like Naomi and Ruth.  I remember listening to a sermon early on in Anna's diagnosis about how Ruth had come to love the same God as Naomi.  In Moab there were no synagogues, no prophets and no scriptures.  How did Ruth come to have faith in the covenant God of Israel?  Well surely it must have been seeing the way that Naomi coped with the death of her husband and two sons.  Naomi was broken by grief but she never lost her faith and returned to the land of Israel broken, bruised but believing.  As somebody has said 'christian grief isn't about the absence of tears, but about the presence of hope.'  Ruth gave me great comfort during Anna's illness and much of the writing I have done since has been about sharing the family's grief in the hope that it would help others.  The book of Ruth points us to the loving-kindness of a kinsman redeemer, Boaz, who redeemed Ruth and who brought comfort in her grief.  In our grief we too have a kinsman redeemer, someone like us, flesh of our flesh.  In all our sorrow we can look to Christ who is able to sympathise with us and redeem us much more than Boaz ever could.

24 Words - Hope

This is the eighth of 24 blog 'thoughts' throughout June as part of a challenge to honour my sister Anna Murray who died on 20th October 2019. You can read my reflections on my sister here and watch a film I made about her here. If you want to donate to Pancreatic Cancer UK you can do so here. These posts will be short 'thoughts' rather than detailed blog posts.

Hope is in pretty short supply at the moment.  It feels like the world is on fire.  Last weekend people were tweeting things like 'London has fallen'.  Despite the attempts to minimise the violence I suspect the 27 police who were hurt didn't see the riots as a minor skirmish. Young people, immersed in social media, feel overwhelmed with the evil that seems to swirl all around us.  The slow almost casual killing of George Floyd shook the world and has sparked a long overdue debate on racism and oppression.  Injustice and oppression is all around us.  It is seen in the Christians who are being oppressed, tortured and killed all around the world and hardly anyone bats an eyelid.  It is seen in the thousands of children suffering neglect and abuse in a society that often doesn't care about who it doesn't see.  China voted at the end of May to impose a new security law in Hong Kong that would impose sweeping changes and undermine basic freedoms.  Where was the outcry?  The silence was deafening.  If oppression, human rights abuses and racism is evil then lets not pick and choose our causes.  Lets unite and call it out wherever it lurks.  

So where can we find hope at this time? In Lamentations 3 v 21 Jeremiah says; 'Yet I call this to mind and therefore I have hope.'  Jeremiah has been surveying the wreckage of Jerusalem.  The people were besieged, they suffered horribly, the walls were breached and the people were enslaved and exiled.  So what does Jeremiah do?  He looks to the Lord.  He remembers certain truths about the Lord that encourages him.  As my late father said in a sermon in 2014: 'memory, instead of being the servant of despondency now becomes the handmaid of hope.'  What truths does Jeremiah remember?  

1. A sober self assessment - Jeremiah remembers that it is because of the Lords mercies that God's people are not consumed.  Even in all the devastation he is able to acknowledge that God's people still have not got what they deserve.  God has stopped short of utter destruction.

2. The character of God - Jeremiah remembers who God is.  His mercies, his loving-kindness, his faithfulness.  God is a covenant making and covenant keeping God.  The Lord is driving idolatry out of his people so they will once again love and worship him alone.  Isn't it wonderful that God's mercies, his compassion is new every morning?  It never gets stale.  It is like the manna in the wilderness.  Fresh every day.  God doesn't promise us a reservoir he promises us new mercy each day.  That why the Psalmist tells says in Psalm 90 v 14 'Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love.'

3.  The best ground of hope - Jeremiah says that the Lord is his portion v 24.  God is all we need.  As Matthew Henry said 'God is the all sufficient happiness of His people.'  I love the old Scottish metrical Psalm 73 v 25:

Whom have I in the heavens high

but thee, O Lord, alone?

And in the earth whom I desire

besides thee there is none.

4.  The right attitude to bring deliverance v 25-28.  One of the great dangers is  that we choose our own way out of difficulties.  Jeremiah says under the inspiration of God 'It is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.'  What do we do while we wait?  Seek him (v 25).

We can easily become overwhelmed as we watch the news.  It can seem that God has lost control.  Without hope we have nothing but despair.  But lets use our memories like Jeremiah.  Lets call to mind those same truths that brought him hope in a sea of desolation.  As somebody has said 'christian grief isn't about the absence of tears, but about the presence of hope.'

24 Words - Grief

This is the seventh of 24 blog 'thoughts' throughout June as part of a challenge to honour my sister Anna Murray who died on 20th October 2019. You can read my reflections on my sister here and watch a film I made about her here. If you want to donate to Pancreatic Cancer UK you can do so here. These posts will be short 'thoughts' rather than detailed blog posts.

This has been a bad week.  Grief comes in waves and a wave hit me this week. Grief is not linear it is circular.  Often we find ourselves as distressed today as we were weeks or months ago and we feel too ashamed to admit it.  

This week I had to make arrangements for my dad's gravestone and chose what letters and words would go on it.  There are many aspects of a loved ones death that are upsetting but trying to summarise a life in 30-40 words is particularly bad.  How do you summarise a man who lived for 85 years who was a pastor, preacher, author, son, brother, uncle, father, husband and grandfather?  You don't, or at least not easily.  It is a deep and distressing reminder of the incredible fragility and swiftness of life.  I thought about all the times my father took funerals in Pennyfuir Cemetery outside Oban and now he is laid to rest there.  As Job said, our lives are like a weavers shuttle or like a breath (Job 7).  Even the greatest and godliest legacy is ultimately summarised in a few words on a gravestone.  

Grief can be crippling and disabling. It can be a distressing and lonely place as we grieve.  We see this in the book of Lamentations which is an outpouring of grief by the people of God.  They had been besieged, then overrun, then brutally treated and then exiled.  Some of the details of Lamentations are gut wrenching.  They had plenty to grieve about.  Why is Lamentations in the bible?  Well surely because God wants to help us to grieve.  In Lamentations 3 we see the effects of grief;

1. We feel a sense of darkness (Lam 3 v 2)

2. We feel trapped (Lam 3 v 7)

3. We feel weighed down (Lam 3 v 7)

4. Fear (Lam 3 v 10)

5. We may feel foolish (Lam 4 v 14)

6. We feel miserable (Lam 3 v 17)

7. Exhaustion (Lam 3 v 18)

That is why we need to give grief words. As Colin Smith says in his excellent book 'For all who Grieve' ‘God has given us an entire book of the Bible in which sorrow is put into words and the grief of what was lost is expressed over and over again.  This tells us something very important about how to grieve: We must give sorrow words.  Telling your story will be part of God’s provision for healing your soul.’  Many of us are not good at talking particularly as we process grief.  We as a church are not great at dealing with grief.  But Lamentations, Job and the Psalms give us a pattern of lament that we should follow.

So where do we go with our grief?  We need other people.  Grief can be a lonely dungeon that many people remain locked in for their whole lives.  Thankfully as Christians we have the greatest counsellor of all - Jesus Christ.  As Colin Smith says: ‘God gave His people a counsellor who wept with them, put the pain of their loss into words, ministered to their guilt and grief, and brought hope and healing from the ashes of their loss.’  Although Lamentations is a difficult book it is also full of rich, rich promises for those of us going through loss.  He does not afflict willingly and he does not cast off for ever.  As it says in Lamentation 3 v 31-33:

For the Lord will not cast off for ever:

32 

but though he cause grief,

yet will he have compassion

according to the multitude of his mercies.

33 

For he doth not afflict willingly

nor grieve the children of men.

24 words - Mercy

This is the sixth of 24 blog 'thoughts' throughout June as part of a challenge to honour my sister Anna Murray who died on 20th October 2019. You can read my reflections on my sister here and watch a film I made about her here. If you want to donate to Pancreatic Cancer UK you can do so here. These posts will be short 'thoughts' rather than detailed blog posts.

But God, being rich in mercy...Eph 2 v 4

This word mercy that we have in Ephesians 2 occurs 26 times in the New Testament.  It involves compassion towards those in need as we see in the gospel.  Jesus uses the word three times in Matthew and then five times in Luke 1.  Mercy surrounds the birth of Christ.  

In Matthew Christ teaches that mercy (along with justice and faithfulness) is among the 'weightier matters of the law' as opposed to 'tithe, mint, dill and cumin' that the Pharisees made so much fuss about.  

I love that phrase in Roman 9 v 23; 'in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory...' 

Mercy towards sinners is at the very heart of God and Christ's ministry radiates that on the pages of the New Testament.

As we read through Ephesians 2 we immediately see the reason why the human race needed saving in verses 1-3.  As Dane Ortland says 'Christ was not sent to mend wounded people or inspire bored people or spur on lazy people or educate ignorant people, but to raise the dead.' In the process of saving people of course wounded people are mended and bored people have purpose and lazy people suddenly want to work for the glory of God, but the primary reason Christ came to this world is because the human condition was (and remains) so critical which is why we need a saviour and redeemer.  We see this in Ephesians 2 v 5-6 where Christ saves his people.  

But verse 4 shows us why God saved us.  It was because he was rich in mercy.  As Thomas Goodwin says 'He is rich unto all; that is, he is infinite and overflowing in goodness, he is good to an abundance.'

Sometimes love and mercy seem like very abstract concepts to us but think of it like this.  If one of my kids is suffering or accused of something the protective father rises up in love and defence.  My son may well have done something wrong but I still want to defend him and put in a plea of mitigation.  God's love is so much more than this because he loves us with an 'invincible love'.  To quote Ortland again: '...as love rises, mercy descends.  Great love fills his heart; rich mercy flows out of his heart.'  As CH Spurgeon once said: “God’s mercy is so great that you may sooner drain the sea of its water, or deprive the sun of its light, or make space too narrow, than diminish the great mercy of God.” 

24 Words - Lockdown

This is the fifth of 24 blog posts each day in June as part of a challenge to honour my sister Anna Murray who died on 20th October 2019. You can read my reflections on my sister here and watch a film I made about her here. If you want to donate to Pancreatic Cancer UK you can do so here. These posts will be short 'thoughts' rather than detailed blog posts.

How has lockdown been for you?  Its been a strange time.  I've found my emotions can be like a rollercoaster, one day I feel fine the next day I feel down or slightly anxious.  Zoom, Slack, Skype and Microsoft Teams have taken a bit of adapting but I've learned to pace myself rather than having loads of meetings per day.  I've been through phases when I have struggled to sleep, but overall I feel I've adapted and I have to say I've enjoyed various aspects of lockdown.  I feel I've found a much better rhythm to my working life.  I get up around 7 am, walk the dog, have a decent breakfast (poached eggs every morning!), have some time for devotions and start work around 9-9:30.  I work until about 6ish take the dog out again and then most evenings are family time because there is nowhere  to go.  I've loved extra time to listen to audio books and podcasts.  This series by Nancy Guthrie on 'How to Teach the Bible' has been a huge blessing to me on my daily walks.

I guess one of the big questions I have for myself and other Christians is this - 'what are we doing with all the extra time we have?'  It is quite a searching question. I heard from a friend and then read this account of the Scottish missionary James Fraser.  In Phil Moore's excellent blog on Think Theology he explains what James Fraser did during a period of 'lockdown' at the foothills of the Himalayas:

'The great missionary James Fraser found himself in a very similar position when he began to preach the Gospel to the pagan Chinese villagers of Lisuland in the first half of the twentieth century. Lisuland lies several hundred miles west of Wuhan, in the foothills of the Himalayas, so James Fraser very often found himself unable to reach his converts in the most mountainous areas. Winter snowfalls made it too dangerous for him to gather them together in church services. At first he was frustrated and even angry with God, who could easily have held back the snowfall to enable his church services to go ahead. But as he prayed, James Fraser became convicted that God was in the problem - it was a challenge of the Lord’s own making. The Lord wanted him to conduct an experiment on behalf of the Body of Christ. 

James Fraser worked out that it would take him three to five days to conduct church services in the highland villages of Lisuland - one or two days of travel up into the mountains, a day of gathering together, and then one or two days of travel back down again. He therefore decided to find out: What would happen if I decided to spend the time that I would have spent gathering with these Lisu people praying for them instead?'

After the snow had melted James Fraser was able to return to the mountainous villages and he discovered that the Christians there had grown and matured far more than those he was ministering to in the lowland regions.  Isn't that remarkable?  We all think that activity will build the kingdom but what if getting on our knees was to have an even greater effect?  Of course we don't stop reaching out and loving our neighbour in practical ways but what if our work was saturated in prayer?  What if we spent the extra time when we aren't commuting or attending activities praying?  What if we were praying for the people we aren't able to see right now?  What is we tried the James Fraser experiment in our lives?  Some food for thought.

You can get James Fraser's biography Mountain Rain here.  There is a fuller article about the mission work in Lisu on the OMF website here.

24 words - Providence

This is the fourth of 24 blog posts each day in June as part of a challenge to honour my sister Anna Murray who died on 20th October 2019. You can read my reflections on my sister here and watch a film I made about her here. If you want to donate to Pancreatic Cancer UK you can do so here. These posts will be short 'thoughts' rather than detailed blog posts.

'Providence is the marvellous working of God by which all the events and happenings in the universe accomplish the purpose He has in mind.'  

John J Murray, Behind a Frowning Providence

Over the years many people have spoken to me about how helpful they have found my late fathers little booklet 'Behind a Frowning Providence'.  It is incredible to think that since it was published in 1990 is has been reprinted 6 times and 70,200 copies are now in circulation.  It has been translated in to 17 other languages: Amharic (Ethiopia), Arabic, Bugis (Indonesia), Burmese, Chinese, Farsi, French, Hungarian, Indonesian (Bahasa), Javanese, Makassarese (Indonesia), Nuer, Oromo (Ethiopia), Somali, Spanish, Sudanese and Toraja (Indonesia).  In many ways my Dad's booklet is an example of providence.  It was written for a conference talk my dad gave in 1989 but it was many years in the making.

I'll never forget the day in December 1980 when my Head Teacher came in to my primary 4 classroom in Rockfield Primary Oban and whispered something in in my teachers ear.  She looked at me and then she looked at the class.  Although I can't remember, class mates have since told me that we played some sort of game and then to my utter surprise and joy I was allowed to go home early!  I sprinted up the little brae to the manse and burst through the door with all the energy of an eight year old. The house was full of loud sobbing.  My dad was crying, which was very unusual.  He took me into the living room and explained that my 13 year old sister had just died.  I don't remember much about the next few days but do vividly remember the funeral and the grave.  I particularity remember the comforting smile of my best friends dad as our family filed out of the church bewildered at the providence that had overwhelmed our family.  Dad was two years in to his first charge and I am amazed at how he continued with preaching and pastoring after such a massive shock.  I now know as a father of five boys what he must have been experiencing but he was an example of patient suffering as I watched him over the years.

As I look back over 40 years I see God's guiding hand in our lives as a family.  As Job said: 'He will certainly accomplish what he has decreed for me...'  This doesn't make death easy but knowing that it is part of God's sovereign plan brings a measure of comfort to the Christian.  'God has' according to Thomas Boston, 'by an eternal decree, immovable as mountains of brass (Zech 6 v 1), appointed the whole of everyone's lot, the crooked parts thereof as well as the straight.' God has appointed what we view as dark providence's in our life.  As William Cowper famously wrote: 

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense

But trust him for his grace

Behind a frowning providence 

He hides a smiling face

Trusting in God's providence helps us to see that there is a purpose to suffering:

Sufferings are to try us. To quote Thomas Boston again 'The crook in the lot is the great engine of providence for making men appear in their true colours.'

Sufferings are to expose out sin. John Newton nailed it with his hymn:

I asked the Lord that I might grow

In faith and love and ev’ry grace,

Might more of His salvation know,

And seek more earnestly His face.

‘Twas He who taught me thus to pray,

And He, I trust, has answered prayer,

But it has been in such a way

As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour

At once He’d answer my request

And, by His love’s constraining pow’r,

Subdue my sins and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel

The hidden evils of my heart

And let the angry pow’rs of hell

Assault my soul in ev’ry part.

Sufferings are to build character.  In Romans 5 v 1-5 Paul says 'we glory in tribulation.'  The word tribulation means 'to press' referring to a wine press.  What does tribulation produce?  'Patient endurance' which in turn produces character.

Sufferings are to bring us closer to God. As Robert Browning Hamilton said:

I walked a mile with Pleasure;

She chatted all the way;

But left me none the wiser

For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;

And ne’er a word said she;

But, oh! The things I learned from her,

When Sorrow walked with me.

We all want answers don't we?  I have many questions about the last two years.  Why did the Lord take my other sister while she was in her prime?  Why take people who are so fruitful for the Lord?  Why did my father experience such deep depression after knowing such joy throughout his life?  Perhaps these questions will never be answered but I trust in a God who who is good and who is weaving my life for my good and His glory (James 5 v 11).  These words my dad used towards the end of his booklet have always brought we great comfort.

Not til the loom is silent

And the shutters cease to fly 

Shall God unroll the canvas

And explain the reason why

The dark threads are as needful

In the weavers skilful hand

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern he has planned