This was a talk given at the Cross Training Weekends at Gowanbank and Alltnacriche, October 2024. The theme of the two weekends were 'Spiritual Leadership' and this talk was delivered alongside 'The Mission of a Spiritual Leader' and 'The Character of a Spiritual Leader' by Joe Barnard from Holyrood Evangelical Church in Edinburgh. If you want to understand more about the vision for Cross Training please read 'The Way Froward' and 'Surviving the Trenches' both excellent books by Joe.
'Two things are essential in this world - life, and friendship. Both must be prized highly, and not undervalued. They are natures gifts. We were created by God that we might live; but if we are not to live solitarily, we must have friendship.' Augustine.
If you ask me what is best in my life, I’m going to give you names.
For most of us, the greatest joy in our lives is spending time with the people we love. Of course, the most important thing today is the gospel. But beyond the gospel, its relationships that ultimately makes life what it is, isn’t it?
Let me ask you this question; If you were to lose your job next week, if your marriage was to end for some reason, or go through a rocky spell, where would you turn? Whose house would you turn up at in the middle of the night?
I know there are at least two or three doors I could turn up. The kettle would be put on, we would chat late into the night and I would be shown to a warm bed.
I went away with one of those friends a few months ago and we shared some of the joys and sorrows of parenthood. We walked by the beach, we talked about the old days, we laughed, we prayed, and we re-connected. It was long, long overdue but I’m so glad we did it.
Why did it take us nearly 20 years? Because friendship is not something we value, is it?
Friendship is not something we think much about and
certainly the theology of friendship is very neglected.
If we are going to be spiritual leaders in our homes, in our marriages, in our churches and in our places of work we must lean into friendships.
In 2009, Bronnie Ware wrote an online article called
‘Regrets of the Dying’ which were her reflections of nursing terminally ill
patients as a palliative nurse.
The article was viewed by millions of people worldwide and Bronnie went on to write a best-selling book entitled ‘The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.’ These were her conclusions:
- I wish I’d had the courage to a live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
- I with I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
- I with that I had let myself be happier.
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Its sobering isn't it? Perhaps as Christians we would add something like 'we wished we had lived more in the light of eternity.' But will we come to the end of our lives and regret how little we invested in friendship?
As Drew Hunter says:
‘Each one of us will eventually step into our final week. Some of us will know when we do. If so, we will take a thoughtful glance backward. And we won’t wish we had put in more hours at work. We won’t wish we had taken more extravagant vacations. We won’t wish we had spent more time staring at a screen. But we will wish we had spent more time with our friends.’ Made for Friendship, p 37
One of our great legacies in life can be the friendships we
make and nurture.
When my sister, Anna, died aged 51, she left behind her dozens of
heartbroken friends.
She devoted her life to hospitality and friendship – will we leave a similar legacy?
I want to ask you 3 questions:
·
What is friendship?
·
Why is it so difficult?
· Why should we invest in friendships? For three simple reasons;
a.
Friendships steady us in the storm
b.
Friendships give us balance in the busyness
c.
Friendships ground us when we are in the grip of
sin
The Bible has plenty to say about friendship.
Drew Hunter in ‘Made for Friendship’ defines
friendship in this way:
‘Friendship is an affectionate bond forged between two people as they journey through life with openness and trust.’ Made for Friendship, p 80.
Brian Croft defines
friendship as ‘an intimate relationship of love, trust and loyalty.’ Pastoral Friendship, The Forgotten Piece to Preserving Ministry, p 16.
We see this phrase '...your friend who is as your own soul..' in Deuteronomy 13 v 6 that is then repeated in I Samuel 18 v 1, 3 and 20 v 17 with regard to David and Jonathan.
What does this tell us about friendship?
Firstly, we read that their souls were ‘knitted together.’ This word literally means to ‘bind together.’ To conspire. Friendship means we are united in purpose and loyalty with somebody else. It doesn’t mean we agree with them all the time, but it does mean we are united to them in all the ups and downs of life.
Secondly it says in v 3 that Jonathan loved David 'as his own soul'. There was real affection in this relationship. We struggle with 'love' in our friendships, don’t we? Love is for marriage, for girlfriends, but friends? We see this incredible love in 2 Sam 1 when David mourns the death of Jonathan and describes his friendship as 'surpassing the love of women.' Their friendship was 'very pleasant' to him.
Thirdly Jonathan covenants with David. If anyone is coming for David, they will have to go through Jonathan. He formalises their friendship. This is no loose relationship. They don’t hang out over a pint – this is a formal pact of mutual devotion and love. If David goes down, Jonathan will go down with him.
We see this with Naomi and Ruth don’t we?
‘For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried.’ Ruth 1 v 16-17.
The relationship has gone beyond family bonds, and she uses the language of covenantal love.
Fourthly, Jonathan gives him his robe, his armour, his sword, his bow and his belt. Jonathan sacrificed what he had for his friend. Whatever he had, it was David's.
What is friendship about? Loyalty, affection, commitment, sacrifice and consistency.
Do you have friends like that? If you have treasure them. As Spurgeon says; 'When thou hast found such a man, and proved the sincerity of his friendship; when he has been faithful...to thee, grapple him to thyself with hooks of steel and never let him go.'
Drew Hunter makes the point in 'Made for Friendship,' you maybe think that a Bic Mac is an ideal dinner because you have never tasted steak. Many of us only know fast-food friendship. What we need is sirloin friendships like David and Jonathan.
If you want to grow in your spiritual leadership, friendship
isn’t a luxury it is a necessity.
As the 19th century Anglican JC Ryle says:
‘This world is full of sorrow because it is full of
sin. It is a dark place. It is a lonely place. It is a disappointing place. The brightest
sunbeam in it is a friend.
Friendships halves our troubles and doubles our joys.’
Leonard Sweet says in '11 Essential Relationships You Gotta Have!' - ‘The real meaning of life is not a journey question or an arrival question. It’s a relationship question. Your journey and your destination are both important, but neither is possible without an answer to this prior question: Who do you have with you?
Who do you have with you as you journey through life?
The two greatest myths of leadership are:
• ‘I am a
rock, I am an island’ - I don’t need anyone; I am strong and resilient.
• I only need
one relationship to meet all my needs
We live and work on many levels and we need many different
kinds of people to be healthy and whole.
The big question for all of us is 'who will you be holding hands with when you cross the finish
line?'
2. Why is Friendship so Hard?
a) Busyness
We’re all busy aren’t we? When we are young, when we are studying we think we are really busy. But then marriage comes along, and then kids, and then a career and then church leadership. Sometimes we feel like we are drowning. We hardly have time to catch a breath.
In his book ‘The Way Forward’ Joe makes the point that modern fatherhood is exhausting. We are part uber driver, event planner, sports coach, counsellor, psychiatrist, mentor, champion. Joe says: ‘Thus by the time men hit middle age they physically have no bandwidth left. Coffee grinds can carry them so far. At the end of a typical day, all spiritual duties excluded, men are toast.’ The Way Forward, p 21.
That is where some of you today – you have little or no time for friendships. Your life is already packed. Perhaps many of you are on the point of burnout. Brady Boyd said: “Ultimately, every problem I see in every person I know is a problem of moving too fast for too long in too many aspects of life.” When Crossway asked 6000 readers in 2016 about burnout the top 3 reasons that could have prevented burnout were:
· Consistent spiritual disciplines· More counsel with friends
· More sleep
Connecting with God and connecting with others help us to reset and get perspective. They keep us in balance, they help us to keep the main things the main things.
Busyness crowds out deep connection and friendships.
b) Technology
Email, texting and social media have literally transformed
how we interact.
They can often complement our relationships.
But unfortunately, as Drew Hunter say ‘we often trade
deep communion for digital communication’.
Stephen Marche in his 2012 article ‘Is Facebook Making Us Lonely’ says:
‘We live in an accelerating contradiction: the more connected we become, the lonelier we are. We were promised a global village; instead, we inhabit the drab cul-de-sacs and endless freeways of a vast suburb of information.’
Social media has allowed us to have more connections but
fewer real friendships.
As Drew Hunter says:
‘Friendship should be more like a submarine, holding few and
going deep. But we’ve made it more like
a cruise ship, filled with lots of nice people whom we don’t know well at
all.’ Made for Friendship p 26.
c) Mobility
Relationships take time, they need deep soil. But we live in
a transient society.
Mobility can stop us from putting down deep roots and
investing in lasting relationships.
Our grandparents often stayed in the same community for their whole live while we hardly know our neighbours. Mobility means that struggle to make deep connection.
3. So why invest in friendships?
a) Friendships steady us in the storm - 1 Samuel 23
In 1 Samuel 23 v 15-18 David is being hunted.
David must have been filled with fear, discouragement and a sense of isolation. Perhaps he felt crushed. Proverbs 18 v 17 says: ‘A mans spirit will endure sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?’
David remained in the ‘strongholds of the wilderness.’ He is
in the wilderness of Ziph.
What does Jonathan do? He visits him at Horesh with a message.
When we are crushed, we need presence. We need people.
Texts and emails have their place but in your moment of darkness friends show up. They drive through the night, they overcome every obstacle.
Isn’t that what Christ did for us?
And what does Jonathan say?
· He assured David of God’s protection v 17.
· He reassured him of God’s promise to make him King v 17.
· He pledges his support and again makes a covenant v 18.
Jonathan breaks all family loyalty for covenantal friendship. ‘You shall be king over Israel, and I shall be next to you.’
Jonathan was risking everything for his friend. He could have been killed as a traitor.
We need friends who will visit us when we are in the
wilderness, when we are filled with fear, when we are lonely, when we are
discouraged.
‘Anxiety in a mans heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.’ Proverbs 12 v 25. Who needs a ‘good word’ from you today? A call, a text a visit?
When Archibald Brown heard of Spurgeon’s death in 1892, he
said:
He has been to me a very Elijah, and I have loved in any
way possible to minister to him. Our
roots have been intertwined for well nigh thirty year. Is it any wonder that I feel almost powerless
this morning to think of him as a preacher, as an orator, as an organiser, or
anything except the dearest friend I have ever known.
What a legacy – to be a friend in the wilderness and in the storm.
‘A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.’ Proverbs 17 v 17.
That is what Cross Training is all about – getting brothers around you for the day of adversity. Breakfasts and book studies aren’t enough we need a band of brothers who will steady us in the storms of life.
b) Friends provide balance in the busyness – Exodus 18 v 13-14
Maybe today feeling totally overwhelmed. Outwardly everything looks fine but inwardly you know that all is not well. Everyone wants a piece of you. Your spinning plates and they are smashing all over the place. The warning lights are flashing all over the dashboard at the moment.
David Murray in his really helpful book Reset talks about some of the warning lights that we might be heading for burnout.
Physical warning signs
·
Exhaustion
·
Lethargic
·
Bad skin, chest pains, stomach cramps, palpitations.
·
Erratic, fitful sleep
·
Excessive drinking and comfort eating.
·
No exercise – totally neglecting your physical
wellbeing.
Emotional warning signs
· Pessimistic or hopeless. ‘Worry stalks your waking hours, and anxiety climbs into bed with you every night.’
Mental warning signs
·
Concentration is hard; distraction is easy.
Relational warning signs
·
There is no real delight in your marriage or
relationships.
·
Irritable and snappy.
·
You seek isolation and avoid social
occasions.
Vocational warning signs
You work a 50+ hour week – you have that feeling of making a millimetre of progress in a million different directions.
Moral warning signs
· Dabbling with pornography
·
You play with lust or flirt with women who are
not your wife.
Spiritual warning signs
·
Devotions have dried up.
·
Church is a chore – you skip it whenever you can,
you avoid fellowship.
Maybe you can identify with many of these signs and you are feeling overwhelmed.
That was like Moses in Exodus 18;
When Moses’ father-in-law saw all that he was doing for
the people, he said, What is this that you are doing for the people? Why do you
sit alone, and all the people stand around you from morning till evening?’
We see in Ex 18 v 17-23 that Jethro didn’t mince his words. ‘What you are doing is not good.’
Jethro told him to choose able men from amongst the
Israelites to share the load.
Friends can see when we are overwhelmed and can gently challenge us and guide us.
We need to do this before we loose everything. As Joe says: 'The consequences of this isolation can be devastating. Like people climbing out of the rubble after an earthquake, a lot of men wake up in their late forties to the realisations that their wife is gone, their kids hate them, and that the BMW in the garage doesn't fill the void. They are like drivers who have driven through the night not realising a wrong turn was taken 500 miles back. If they had had someone in the passenger seat, the error might have been detected' The Way Froward, p 29.
Proverbs 13 v 20 says: ‘Whoever walks with the wise
becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.’
We need friends to give us balance in the busyness of life and to help us have a grace paced life in a burnout culture.
c) Friendships keep us grounded when we are in the grip of sin – 2 Sam 12
True friendship involves speaking the truth in love.
Imagine if 1 year from now you were about to do something that would wreck your marriage, destroy your children, break up your family and bring shame and bring dishonour on the name of Christ. Imagine if you started flirting with a girl from the office or rekindled a friendship with a school friend or became inappropriately involved with a woman from church.
We all need a Nathan, don’t we? What Leonard Sweet calls an ‘editor’.
As he says: ‘Your Nathan may sometimes be a donkey that
refuses to move or a whale that re-scrambles your relationships, restructures
your realities and regurgitates a purged you up in the shore.’ Leonard Sweet, 11 Essential Relationships You
Gotta Have!
We all need a welcome intruder when we are drifting off
course.
Let’s be brutally honest – David seemed pretty happy in his
sin.
He had just gratified himself
sexually, he had murdered Bathsheba’s husband.
He had tied up every loose end.
And then Nathan showed up and had the guts to confront his
king with his sin.
‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I rescued you from Saul. I gave your masters house to you and your
masters wives into your arms, and I gave you the house of Israel and of Judah. And if that was not enough, I would have
given you even more.’ 2 Sam 12 v 8.
David swapped the momentary pleasures over integrity and enduring
righteousness.
As Joe Barnard says in The Way Forward:
‘What David lost sight of while
lured by lust was the reality that the fullness of joy was not in the arms of a
woman but at God’s right hand. God could
have – and indeed would have – provided David with far more joy, and better
joy, than any guilt- infused affair could supply. Yet sadly the sun was eclipsed by a candle,
and david chose a one-night stand over abiding communion with God.’ P 32-33.
If only David had friends who would have corrected him
sooner.
If it was David's son
Solomon who wrote Proverbs I wonder if these words were referring to his father?
Better is open rebuke than
hidden love.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
One who is full loathes
honey, but to one who is hungry everything bitter is sweet.
Like a bird that strays
from its nest is a man who strays from his home.
Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel. Proverbs 27 v 5-9
We need friends to expose our sins and keep us grounded.
That is what we need as spiritual leaders.
When we are dozing at the wheel of the car, when there is
disaster around the next corner, we need a friend to grab the wheel, to shake
us out of our slumber and to get us back to driving straight n the paths of
righteousness.
Who is your Nathan? Do you have a friend who can be your moral compass?
Conclusion
Hopefully by now you are convinced that friendship is
important.
You may also be thinking – friendship is a bit different to
what I thought.
But ultimately there is one friendship that matters more
than any other.
Our friendship with Christ.
‘A man that hath friends must show himself to be friendly,
and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.’ Proverbs 18 v 24.
I don’t know what you would say if you were facing crucifixion.
We read what Jesus said in John 15 v 12 – 17.
‘’No longer do I call servants, for the servant does not know
what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have
heard from my father I have made known to you.’
Christ as mediator, has told us everything the father asked
him to tell us in the Covenant of Grace.
He no longer calls us servants but friends.
A servant doesn’t know what his master is thinking or
planning.
·
Servants are kept at a distance.
·
Servants are not trusted
·
Servants are denied information
But our Lord says here ‘No longer do I call you servants…but
I have called you friends.’
There is a change of relationship going on – the followers
of Jesus are being moved from the outer circle to the inner circle.
What does it mean to be a friend of Christ?
We might translate it this way – I no longer call you mere
servants, ordinary servants but I also call you friends.
Drew Hunter finishes 'Made for Friendship' with a chapter on 'The Great Friend'. He makes these points about our friendship with Christ.
·
Christ loves us with deep affection
Christ doesn’t love us with reluctance but gladness.
We love to spend time with friends but are we longing to
spend all eternity with Christ?
Do you run to him when you sin?
Christ receives us with open arms when we break his holy
law.
Its not that his grace his cheap, but he is ready to
forgive.
·
Christ will love us to the very end.
His love is constant and covenantal.
Even Jonathan’s love wasn’t perfect, but he points to the
perfect friend of sinners.
·
Christ holds nothing back
‘For all that I heard from the Father, I have made known to
you.’
·
He stirs with compassion
Maybe you are walking through a dark valley at the moment.
Christ cares, he knows and he sympathises.
· Christ speaks to us with candour and honesty.
You need friends today, you need brothers for the battle
ahead, but most of all you need to cultivate the friendship of Christ.
He’ll never let you down, he’ll always be faithful and
through his friendship you will radiate a glory and a beauty that draws others
to his friendship.
As Thomas Goodwin pit it: 'You have entered into a covenant of friendship with God, make something of it.'
Joe says in his book The Way Forward says that a man is the
average of his 5 closest friends.
Maybe you need to find some new friends today. Maybe you need to lean into friendship in a new and more intentional way.
Become friends with some of the great saints of the past:
Andrew Bonar, Robert Murray McCheyne, Thomas Guthrie, Amy Carmichael, Hudson Taylor, Jim
Elliot, Jonathan Edwards.
Let their lives infuse you with passion and zeal for the
friend that sticks closer that a brother.
