The Slog of Despond

Its been a while since I've hosted a Guest Blog but I'm delighted that Dayspring Macleod, a freelance writer with a growing reputation was willing to pen some very honest thoughts about parenting.  If you want to read more of Daysprings writings check out her blog 'The Reliable Narrator' here.  Over to Dayspring:

I write for a Christian magazine, and each month the editor sends me an email asking for my column. Well, sometimes I’m ready for him and sometimes I’m still percolating an idea, but last month when I got his email I looked back in my mental files and thought: I’ve got nothing.

          Oh, it’s not that God hadn’t been speaking to me throughout the past few weeks. It had been a month of realising my weakness. Repeatedly.

          Like when the three-year-old was going through a period of particular defiance, coinciding with my own period of particular impatience, and the baby’s period of learning how to hit really hard. That was when I realised I need God’s strength to be a parent, and I need the humility of asking for help and advice and even criticism. There were days when my primary ‘thanksgiving’ was ‘thank you the day is over’.

          And when I realised that the renovations on our house are not going to take place as soon as I had hoped, meaning that I also won’t be going home to America as soon as I had hoped. That was when I realised that I need to submit to God’s plans, not try to push mine through.

          Incumbent on this was realising that I will only see my parents for four full days this year. My parents are getting older. So are my kids. The separation hurts, if possible, more every time we say goodbye. So I made a conscious decision to give thanks for the brief period we would have together rather than mourning the time we didn’t have. A resolution that went out the window the second they left for the airport.

          And then there were the long interruptions in the night when the baby was waking up for an hour each night with eczema. There was the almost complete lack of freelance work for weeks at a time. There was the discouragement and anxiety and feelings of helplessness when I saw people I’ve been praying for for years taking backward steps.

          There were the unanswered emails, the writer’s block, the lack of time and sleep, the repetition of housework, the conviction of sin and scariness of repentance, the worry, the failure.

          But enough about me…

          Just as I was writing out my litany of woes, I read an article pointing out that, in a testimony, Jesus should always be the subject of the story.

          Do you know what kind of story sees ME as the subject? A story with a God-shaped hole. One where ME is relying on her own strength to get through the parenting crisis, the worries, the exhaustion, the goodbyes, even the repentance. And since mine is not even a particularly hard life, just an ordinary life, I’m sure many of you have been to this place too. I wouldn’t say it’s as bad as a Slough of Despond. More a Slog of Despond. We’re just slogging along some months. We’re reading, we’re praying. We’re just not relying. We have faith that he’s there, just not faith that he’ll help.

          What if there was abundance? What if some miracle-worker came along one day and said ‘Excuse me, dear, that’s too heavy for you. Give it here – I’ll carry it. No, ALL of it – all or nothing!

‘Yes, goodbyes are hard…I’ll tell you what, would it help if you knew a day was coming when you wouldn’t have to do that again? And I know it’s scary not having work; but you’re a full-time mum. If you’re working all the time, when would you get to rest? I’ll take care of the shortfall, don’t worry about that.

          ‘It certainly is hard to see people you love struggling in life – but you’re not their provider, and you’re not their Holy Spirit. I Am. You keep talking to me about them, and if I want to use you in their lives, I’ll go with you, and I’ll give you the words. 

          ‘Too heavy for me? You want to take it back? No, this yoke is mine. Just remember one thing. Look for Me. If this is my burden, this is my story.’

Jeremiah 33:6  ‘I will…heal them, and reveal to them the abundance of peace.’

Everyday Hero

What makes a good father?  As the father of five boys most people seem to think I have this particular question nailed.  I don't.  But I do spend a huge amount of time thinking and praying about it.  Over the last 19 years I have made a lot of mistakes, shed a lot of tears and had the privilege of a very patient wife and five long-suffering sons who still love their Dad (even when he messes up).  I also talk to lots of other Dads who struggle with all the same issues I do; juggling all the pressures of work, family and church, trying to pay the mortgage while always trying to nurture our own relationship with God.  I've written before on my own upbringing and reflections on my own father in 'Reflections of a Forty-something Father' which you can access here.

Obviously our parenting style is heavily influenced by our own parents.  I had a really happy childhood but it was overshadowed by the death of my sister, Lynda in 1980.  You can read about my reflections here.  Watching my parents cope with this trauma taught me a lot about resilience and faithfulness in difficult times.

A few other things stick out in my mind that helped me form my own view of parenting.  One was when I was out in America in 1992.  My Dad was ministering in Detroit but we had the chance to travel around.  We visited some friends up in Lamont called the Lannings.  I remember being incredibly impressed with Ray and Linda and how 'normal' their kids were.  As a family they loved Jesus, they had fun, they loved sport, they were involved in their community and they all seemed to get on as a family.  I guess it felt very 'holistic' or 'joined up'.  I remember, as a 19 year old, chatting to Linda about raising kids and she said something I never forgot.  She said that she had agreed with Ray, before they even had kids, that they would parent in such a way that they would enjoy their children and wouldn't have to spend their all their time disciplining and correcting them.  This meant setting down the ground rules early, communicating expectations and then covering everything in lots of love and prayer.

For us, this means putting family worship, at the centre of our family life every day. Reading the Bible, prayer and singing the Psalms introduce a whole set of values to my boys on a daily basis. Most importantly they learn about Jesus, the greatest example who ever lived.  People seem to think that worshipping as a family is really difficult.  But it doesn't need to be.    This year we have been reading through Kevin De Young's 'The Biggest Story - How the Snake Crusher brings the Garden back to Life'.  It is beautifully illustrated by Don Clark and is made up of short chapters that take you through the whole Biblical story. We are also using Tim Keller's new book 'My Rock My Refuge' which is a lovely meditation on the Psalms.  Either would be a great place to start worshipping together as a family.  We've also really enjoyed the 'Jesus Storybook Bible' by Sally Lloyd-Jones for the younger kids.  Our latest book is 'Exploring Grace Together' by Jessica Thompson which is short but has good solid Biblical content.

I'm a great believer in bringing up boys to be boys.  I encourage my boys to play shinty, football, attend army cadets, get muddy and occasionally have a wee scrap (they can almost take me when they jump me at the same time).  I try and keep them off the Xbox and other devices as much as possible and make sure they treat their mother and brothers with respect. Most of all I want them to grow up knowing and loving Jesus.  We have that great promise from Proverbs 22 v 6 'Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.'

I hope (and pray!) that my boys look on me as some kind of example albeit a very imperfect one.  I guess I would love to be their hero - maybe not a super hero but I would just settle for an everyday hero.



A father worth imitating

 

Me, no 1 son and my dad: looking sprightly at 80

Parenting and fatherhood is without doubt the biggest challenge I have ever faced.  I blogged about it last year on Fathers Day which you can read here.  Kirsteen and I have been leading a parenting course at church over the last few weeks which has been great but there is also a lot of wincing as I think back to some of the things I've said and done as a dad.  Thankfully kids have short memories and are very forgiving when their dad messes up.  It has been useful to discuss the foundation of the family but I have particularly found the discussions around the 5 love languages really helpful: affirming words, affectionate touch, 1:1 time, thoughtful presents and kind actions.  All common sense but when I think of my daily routine I am ashamed how little I practice it sometimes.  There is a good website called The 5 Love Languages which you can view here.   I haven't read Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell's book yet but certainly intend to.  The experience of meeting with other parents to discuss these issues on the Parenting Course, and some of the challenges we face has been a huge help to Kirsteen and I and chance to re-evaluate our parenting.

 

Given the challenges we all face as Christian fathers I'm always on the look out for helpful articles like the one on Desiring God Ministries blog called 'A father worth intimating' which you can read here. It is about James Paton the father of John G Paton who went out to the New Hebrides to minister to cannibals.  It talks of James Paton's faithfulness in little things.  As the article says we can all become spiritually fatigued as fathers.  We need to be inspired by examples such as James Paton.  The article finishes by saying 'The noble task of fatherhood is fraught with temptations. And one of the greatest temptations is that our good efforts go without avail. With shortsighted vision, we fathers can be tempted to give up.'  If you want to read the inspirational life of John G Paton, John Piper has written a book called 'John G Paton - You Will Be Eaten By Cannibals!'

The temptation to give up or become mediocre in our parenting is something that can face us all.  James Paton reminds us that very often God is achieving much more that we think as we struggle through our lives.  I was really encouraged recently by a sermon I heard by Joel Beeke on Caleb.  You can listen to it here. 

 

Caleb gave the minority report along with Joshua in Numbers 13 and the people wanted to stone him.  Rather than crumbling under pressure Caleb remained firm and we read that he entered into the Promised Land with his children (Numbers 14 v 24).  He endured the scorn of others but remained faithful to the Lord.  Not only was the Lord faithful to him but also to his family.  This is a great encouragement to us that our God is a God of covenant and is faithful to us and to our children. 

 

 

Fatherhood is a huge calling.  Thankfully we are not asked to do it without some great examples and a Heavenly Father who is the ultimate example of patience, longsuffering and love.  While I may not always be a great father at least I can point my boys a perfect heavenly father who will never let them down.  Surely he is a father worth imitating.

Growing up Scratchy - Living with Eczema

For the last 40 years I have lived with a fairly low profile but very high impact disease - eczema.  It's difficult to explain to somebody who doesn't have eczema just how much it affects your life.  Perhaps the best way of explaining what eczema feels like is to explain that it comes from the Greek word 'ekzein' which means 'to boil'.  Eczema at its worst feels like your skin is on fire.  Incredibly 1 in 5 children and 1 in 12 adults in the UK suffer from eczema.  There is loads of different information about the different types of eczema here.

Eczema is a 'non-disease.'  It's not high profile or life threatening so the medical response is patchy and poorly resourced.  I may be paranoid but I can't help feeling that some of the doctors I have seen seem to imply that I could be doing a lot more to help myself.  A recent consultant gave me the third degree for missing my patch tests (we were on holiday at the time).  While this is my own experience our son Alasdair has a very supportive GP and dermatologist at the moment.

I had fairly extreme eczema as a kid but have always suffered with bad eczema on my hands as an adult.  At best it can be irritating but at worst it can be debilitating and can make work complicated.  Last year my hands become infected 5-6 times over the summer and autumn.  Large blisters appeared on my hands and my fingers became infected.  I lost 3 nails on my right hand with the infection and was on non-stop anti-biotics for months.  The result?  After about 25 years away from dermatology I am back on their books. 

The smell of cold tar and the familiar names of dermovate, betnovate and eumovate are part and parcel of the Dermatology Dept at Lauriston and it feels like I've never been away.  There is an almost Victorian feel to the Dermatology Department with a complete absence of any high tech equipment.  The Victorian feel is backed up by the patriarchal system of male doctors giving instructions to an army of female auxiliaries who fetch and carry files and take blood samples from willing victims.  My first visit back to dressings after nearly 25 years away involved red paint being dabbed on my cuts, cold tar smeared on my hands and walking out with mickey mouse gloves.  I had some strange looks as I sipped coffee in the Elephant House before going in to the National Library!

Last Saturday we attended our first family weekend with Eczema Outreach Scotland.  It was great to meet other parents affected by eczema and hear some fairly familiar stories.  The event was in the Howden Park Centre in Livingston and while our boys politely declined the dance workshop they had a great time at the arts and crafts (no. 4 son Ali was a bit scratchy and shy).

As with so many inspirational charities, Eczema Outreach Scotland, was set up by one mother frustrated with how little support there was for families affected my eczema.  The founder is called Magali Speight (pictured below with Kirsteen) whose daughter suffers from eczema.  Magali proves what one person can do with energy and vision.  After only one year the organisation has around 150 families who have received their welcome pack and attended their growing number of events.

Those with kids who have eczema are affected in all sort of ways - from sleep deprivation, food allergies, to endless hospital appointments and the usual round of comments in the supermarket as you explain that your son (or daughter) isn't a burns victim.  Most of us have experienced the frustrations of a less than zealous medical response.  I remember sitting in a consultants office with our 2nd son Calum around 7 years ago.  His face was red raw with weeping sores and he was screaming in pain night after night.  Despite this the consultant said there was nothing else he could do for us.  Not for the last time we walked out of a medical appointment feeling unsupported and very alone. 

Of our 4 boys 3 have eczema with little Alasdair (centre below) being by far the worst.  When we tell people that he has hardly slept all night for the last 3 years, people think we are exaggerating.  He can go through phases when after 2-3 hours of sleep he can be unsettled for the rest of the night.  At times I've gone in to work on 3-4 hours of fitful sleep.  Talking to some other fathers at the event last week, sleep deprivation comes up the most challenging issue.  Some spoke of being in medical jobs where a mistake could lead to disastrous consequences and found little support from their employer.

Is there hope?  Yes there is.  Kids can get better - there is always hope they can grow out of it.  Calum (10), despite having extreme food allergies has almost outgrown eczema apart from the soles of his feet.

Family is a huge help.  James (13) has eczema so has an incredible bond with Ali.  Often he will help him calm down when he is in a scratching fit. Use extended family to get a break, have a meal and have a good sleep!

As a couple it is important to work as a team.  If both of us are having a sleepless night it can be horrendous.  Better that at least one sleeps and the other tries to calm down the scratchy kid or that we take 2 hourly shifts.  All the couples I have spoken to say that having a child with eczema can have a significant impact on your marriage and family life.  Acknowledging this and talking about it can be first step to seeking more support.  If possible get other family involved so that even once a month you can have a full nights sleep.

Organisations like Eczema Outreach Scotland are excellent.  Bringing families together for mutual support is such a help and even though it doesn't solve the problem, at least people feel less alone as they struggle through. 

Assertiveness can help.  Some GP's don't routinely refer eczema sufferers to dermatologists.  If you are struggling, insist on a referral and keep fighting until you get one.  Once you see a specialist you will hopefully remain in the system until things are a little better.

Lastly, and most importantly for us, faith is a huge element of our life with eczema.  We believe in a God who hears and answers prayer and in a Saviour who knew what it was like to suffer.  We don't believe that suffering is meaningless but we believe that 'for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose' Romans 8 v 28. 

The Psalms are also a great comfort to us - in them we find a great reality and comfort.  Let me leave you with one of my favourites; 'You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again.  You will increase my greatness and comfort me again Psalms 71 v 20, 21.